Brooding YA Hero Read online

  • The patriarchy. Sorry, you can’t escape it, even in a fantasy world.

  Spend a Day in a Dystopian!

  A dystopian world is … well, it’s actually probably Earth in the future. (But shhh! Act shocked when you realize that, because it’s a big-deal reveal for the reader every time.) There’s likely been some sort of disaster that has made the world divide into Sections. (Capitalization is very important in dystopian worlds.)

  Technology in a dystopia is a mixed bag. Sometimes you’ll be fighting the evil, oppressive overlord with just a bow and arrows. Other times, you’ll have cool, sci-fi-ish tech.

  The good news is that no matter how oppressive the government is, they always provide proper dental care for all of the citizens they squash beneath their dictatorial feet.

  Packing List:

  • An object to represent your Section. Make sure it’s something easy to visualize, so someone can make an online quiz called “What Section Are You?” to determine their significance in the world.

  • A makeup bag. Don’t worry. Whether you’re running for your life or fighting to survive in an inhospitable climate, or even just napping, your makeup will never smear.

  • An object from the Time Before. This little thing will reveal, to the surprise of the reader, that the story is not actually set on a distant planet, but on Earth! Of course, if they’d read the back of your book, they’d know that already.

  • A book on military strategy. You’ll be expected to be an expert, despite having no leadership experience, so you’d better read up.

  Have Fan in a Historical Novel

  A little similar to a fantasy, in a historical novel you’ll find more pretty girls in dresses, more witty men in waistcoats, and more masquerade balls. In fact, Masquerade-flu is a rapidly spreading disease that has infected many genres, but I digress.

  If you’re not wearing a corset or a waistcoat, that’s okay. Historical does span a wide range of time, like the entirety of mankind’s existence up until the present day. So you could find yourself in ancient Rome or be a 1960s flower child.

  But wait, Broody, you say in a panic. I don’t know how to live like an ancient Roman! And I don’t want to sweat in the uncomfortable polyester they wore in the ’60s. Don’t worry. Think of historical fiction as The Past! The Theme Park Version!

  Sure, you may have to eat some weird food, like mutton, or you might have to wear one of those aforementioned corsets—and if you do, you will faint, but it won’t, like, permanently break your rib cage or cause any lasting harm, so don’t worry—but most of what you experience will be almost modern day. Slang might even still sound more like contemporary speech than anything else.

  Packing List:

  • A maid. I mean, who else is going to help you into those elaborate dresses and style your delicate pile of curls, leaving one to twist artfully against the porcelain arch of your neck? Not me, that’s for sure.

  • Deodorant and toothpaste. Everyone (except the villain) will have great hygiene in this historical world.

  • A list of characters’ names. There are a lot of people in this type of story. If you forget to pack it, don’t worry. There’s often one tucked in the back of your book.

  • Your modern sensibilities. These are an absolute must. All main characters in historical novels are easily identified by their modern, twenty-first-century opinions on relationships, politics, and social justice. If you’re not an anachronistically outspoken woman, you’re certainly not a protagonist.

  Subgroups:

  Time Travel

  If you were to mix a fantasy with a historical novel, you might end up with a time travel (or steampunk, but let’s focus on the former). In a time travel, nine times out of ten, it will be a love story between a person from modern times and their historical love interest.

  Sometimes, the love interest will even be a historical figure, so it’s a bit like kissing your world history textbook. Sexy!

  As a general warning, these romances are often … complicated, as long-distance dating often is. Either your love interest will die, decide to remain in their true historical time period, or venture to yours. Good thing you don’t need any sort of ID to survive in the modern world.

  Of course, it’s far more common that you’ll spend tons of time falling for this historical hottie, only to return to your own time, and fall in love with his reincarnation.

  Not that I’m bitter about being replaced. Why would I be bitter about being replaced by some modern guy who looks just like me except with better hair and cool modern clothes and probably a much better chance of not dying of cholera. Ugh. Not fair.

  Packing List:

  • A list of rules about time travel. They’re never the same in any two books. Can you travel to meet your past or future self? Better check the rule book!

  • A textbook. There’s going to be a lot of name-dropping, because all famous people in the same decade hung out at the exact same spot.

  • Your wealth. After all, no one wants to time travel to a distant past to fall in love with a serf busy farming turnips for a living.

  Retelling

  These are pretty cool. They can contain parts of any of these other genres, but their main magic is their twist on a familiar tale. It’s “Little Red Riding Hood” on motorcycles. It’s “Cinderella” during the Irish Potato Famine.

  The story your Author retells will provide a framework for your tale. But don’t worry. In this world, no one will have ever heard of the original. Even if you happen to be reading the very same Shakespeare story in your English class, no one will ever question that your narrative is eerily familiar. No, not even your friend Mercutio, who’s probably wondering why his name is so weird.

  Dear reader, one piece of advice. If you’re dating a guy named Romeo, maybe try and get your families to start getting along before you or your boyfriend of, like, fifteen minutes run off and do something reckless, okay?

  Packing List:

  • Sorry. You’ve got to be so oblivious to the source material that I can’t recommend anything; it might give a vital clue away. I mean, what if you’re in a “Rapunzel” retelling and I recommend you bring a hairbrush? Way too risky.

  Help! You’re in a Horror

  Eep. Horror stories are not a happy place for me. Not at all. This genre is dangerous. Often, half of the romantic couple, no matter how happy they are, doesn’t survive to the end. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t like those odds. These books will feature very scary things, and not in the secretly-a-very-sexy-fictional-boyfriend sort of way. Danger will lurk around every corner. There will be blood splatters everywhere. On the floor, on your face, even on the cover of your book.

  As usual, the adults will be clueless. Unlike usual, the adults may actually be chainsaw-wielding bad guys.

  I prefer the adults who don’t notice that their daughter is dating a vampire, to be honest.

  Packing List:

  • A flashlight. Essential, even though you’ll lose it when something drops from the shadows.

  • A warm sweatshirt. It’s guaranteed you’ll be fleeing something in inclement weather.

  • Please leave your sense of self-preservation at home. You should have absolutely no common sense. Always call out, “Who’s there?” to that mysterious creepy voice or even go investigate … instead of running away.

  Time for a Thriller or Mix It with a Mystery

  A thriller is kinda like a horror, but less gory. For example, if you get a panicked phone call from your cousin who says that werelemurs have eaten half the school (and none of them morph into handsome men ready to date you), well, that’s a horror. If you receive a phone call that something bad is going to happen to your pet lemur, and you have to follow the obscure clues that could just as easily be someone’s trash to track down the person who called before Lulu the Lemur gets hurt? That’s a mystery. If you’re on a quest to save Lulu the Lemur, all while trying to avoid the gunmen intent on ending you for reasons th
at will not become apparent until the final fifty pages of the book, then you’re in a thriller.

  Confused by the difference between thrillers and mysteries? So is your Author. Mysteries usually involve using “clues” and “deduction” and being far nosier than is generally good for you, to track down information, all while avoiding “red herrings” (which are not actually fish, usually) and compiling your list of “suspects,” before having a “breakthrough” and cracking the case. Sometimes you even get to wear a cool hat and carry around a magnifying glass. Thrillers are like mysteries, with extra bonus danger. And lots of explosions.

  Though mysteries and thrillers are usually set in the real world, they’re barely related to the contemporary genre, because despite being a high schooler, you’ll have all the spare time you need to investigate murders, disappearances, and other things that the cops probably don’t want meddling kids involved in.

  Packing List:

  • Vengeance. It can’t hurt to have a strong motive for revenge in these stories.

  • A notepad. For writing down clues about the mystery, even though the culprit is actually someone you’ll meet in the first three chapters.

  Partake in a Paranormal!

  It’s just like contemporary, except your love interest is a hundred-year-old magical creature who loves dating high schoolers. The setting is, again, an average high school, almost always located in either a boring, small town where nothing ever happens, or New York City, where everything happens, but you’re not allowed to attend because you have overprotective parents.

  There will be a complex backstory certain to unfold over a number of sequels. Multiple love interests will be introduced throughout the series, and the magic rules will keep expanding to fill any emerging plot holes. You will probably find out that you are the absolutely most special of all the special supernatural beings. However, your internal narration will still remind us every page or so about how average you are. Sadly, self-esteem is not one of the magical powers you’ll ever acquire.

  Packing List:

  • I can’t tell you what to pack. You need to be completely and utterly clueless so that your supernatural love interest can sweep you off your feet.

  Sci-Fi (or … Space : The Final Format)

  Ah yes, the space opera. I remember when my Author first told me about this strange genre. I assumed I would be singing about planets to an adoring audience. Instead, I was suddenly the captain of a spaceship, or a space pirate, or a space prince. Really, think of the coolest thing you could be, and add space to it. Works every time.

  In these types of books, there will be epic battles and lots of countries—er—planets—for you to travel among.

  If your Author’s favorite thing is Star Wars, the scientific content will be limited, and no one will have any idea how anything in your universe works. That’s okay, because it will look very cool. On the other hand, if your Author loves something else that begins with Star and ends with another four letter word, there will probably be some science and logic in the technology used. If your Author loves Doctor Who … just be prepared for anything. And … run!

  Packing List:

  • Some sort of cool space weapon. Something with lasers. Don’t worry about how it works.

  • A spaceship (duh). Again, don’t worry about how it works.

  • A relic of home, as you haven’t seen it in a long, long time.

  • A sassy robot friend.

  What Genre Do You Belong In?

  As a main character, it’s very important to know which genre your book is. Nothing’s worse than expecting to help save the world from a cruel dystopian overlord only to realize you’re actually headed to prom. Totally different dress code! (Usually. I have overthrown dystopian overlords while dressed in my best tuxedo, but that’s not too common. And dry cleaning afterward is expensive!)

  So, here’s a quick quiz to determine just which kind of novel you’re in right now.

  1. It’s the first page of the first chapter. Where are you?

  A. Starting my first day of school, hoping the popular kids won’t make fun of me.

  B. In an orphanage, dreaming about something vaguely related to the plot.

  C. Listening to a supporting character explain why our world is classified into Groups with Meaningful Capital Letters, while avoiding going to the Place that Groups Cannot Go.

  D. Starting my first day of school, hoping that the mysterious person with flashing eyes that I saw in the prologue will appear again.

  E. Stress-eating while I stare at my computer.

  2. Your best friend is …

  A. Someone I’ve just met who promises to show me around school.

  B. No one. I know no one. I have no memories. Just a PLOT ITEM that reminds me of my past.

  C. Currently worried she and I will be sorted into opposite Groups with Meaningful Capital Letters.

  D. I don’t have a best friend yet, but the guy with the flashing eyes has a buddy who might become my friend. Maybe. Unless they’re already dating … and then she’ll hate me.

  E. On the Internet.

  3. What are you wearing?

  A. Hand-me-down clothes that aren’t cool enough for the cool kids.

  B. Rags. The orphanage has kicked me out, and I only have these tattered castoffs to wear, though I dream of ball gowns.

  C. A jumpsuit, the same color as everyone else in my Group. It is not like the Time Before when people wore non-jumpsuits.

  D. Something vintage, because I totally love old things, like the guy with the flashing eyes who’s actually 1,000 years old.

  E. Yoga pants and an old T-shirt.

  4. What are you most afraid of?

  A. Not ever being cool enough to be considered cool by the cool kids.

  B. The evil overlord who haunts my dreams in a vaguely threatening way.

  C. Nothing. I lead a hard life living so close to the Place that Groups Cannot Go, and I am therefore fearless.

  D. The love between me and the guy with flashing eyes turning star-crossed like Romeo and Juliet’s.

  E. Deadlines … and proofreaders … and reviewers …

  5. Which of these scenarios is the most romantic?

  A. Being asked to prom by the coolest guy in school, who gives me a dress in exactly my size.

  B. Being asked to the masquerade ball by the handsomest prince in the world, who gifts me a gown in exactly my size.

  C. Holding hands while running for our lives, and magically managing not to trip.

  D. Turning into a supernatural creature to spend eternity with someone I’ve just met.

  E. Receiving a movie deal that turns a trilogy into four movies.

  6. How old are you?

  A. A teenager, duh.

  B. Exactly the same age as the missing princess, who I am absolutely sure is not me.

  C. Old enough to be Chosen to complete the Important Task that our government tasks us with at the Important Age.

  D. About a thousand years younger than my boyfriend.

  E. A lot older than a teen.

  If you chose mostly As:

  Congrats! You’re in a contemporary novel. You might be the new kid now, but in two hundred short pages, you will have completed your character arc, developed a personality, and maybe even been crowned prom royalty.

  If you chose mostly Bs:

  Sound the trumpets! You’re in a uh …

  Hang on. Quick. Here’s three true or false questions. Please answer these as well.

  You’ve seen a living, fire-breathing dragon recently.

  True

  False

  Someone you know has bought a love potion … and it worked!

  True

  False

  You’re in a city that is not London.

  True

  False

  If you’ve answered more falses:

  You’re in a historical novel. You might think you’re only a lonesome orphan, but you’re actually the missing princess! How s
urprising, really. You’d think orphanages would be better at noticing how you and the princess have the exact same birthday and meaningful heirloom.

  If you’ve answered more trues:

  You’re in a fantasy novel. You might think you’re only a lonesome orphan, but you’re actually the missing Chosen One! How surprising, really. You’d think orphanages would be better at noticing how you and the Chosen One had the exact same birthday and meaningful heirloom.

  If you chose mostly Cs:

  Stay alert, stay alive. You’re in a dystopian novel. The future may be bleak, but your love and refusal of Things with Meaningful Capitalization just may save the world.

  If you chose mostly Ds:

  Try not to swoon, but you’re in a paranormal novel. That mysterious stranger is destined to fall in love with you, and you’re destined to spend at least three books mired deep in a complex plot. But your love will never fail … unless it’s a cliff-hanger ending.

  If you chose mostly Es:

  Let’s be honest. You’re a writer, aren’t you? Stop procrastinating with quizzes and get back to work. Your main characters need you!

  Plot

  It’s time to talk about your plot. As I explained above, this is the vehicle of the story—the part where things actually happen. A plot can exist in any genre, and your Author might even combine more than one in the same book. Crazy Authors. Always trying new things. As long as they keep me blandly beautiful and full of the powers of the patriarchy, I can’t complain too much.

  Here are some common plots to watch out for:

  Beating the Bad Guy

  A bad guy/lady/government/dragon exists, and the main character(s) must use their abilities to defeat the evil.

  The evil power can be anything from my evil ex-girlfriend and her cheerleading squad to a personification of death and chaos (who also might be my ex-girlfriend). We, as main characters, want to stop this evil power from doing this even more evil thing because … well, reasons. Look, in these types of stories, the “why” doesn’t matter nearly as much as the “how” we defeat them.