Brooding YA Hero Read online

  On a similar note, any time I meet an orphan, I fall in love with her faster than you can preorder my next book online. Orphans are always main characters, and usually hidden princesses, too. Plus, they have no family to point out what a terrible boyfriend you are.

  In general, you should have very little knowledge about your love interest before you two make smoldering eye contact. Everyone knows that being friends first never ends in true love. Friendship is for your rival in the love triangle; he’s a loser.

  Ideally, she’ll be new to the school/kingdom/space station. Or, at the very least, new to you—summer makeovers always make a character so much more appealing. Just be sure you reassure her that you love her heart, not her looks. (Although you’d dump her in a second if she stopped looking all pretty and made-over. But she doesn’t need to know that.)

  Or, if she’s not new to your setting, be new to hers. You know. Show up in town with your motorcycle, a vow to never talk about your past, and some drama. Works every time. Love interests never wait longer than five minutes after meeting me before declaring their love. (Unlike any self-respecting Broody. Insta-declarations of love come from the Nice Guy Next Door or a nerdy male best friend … Those guys aren’t worth your time. Why would you want a supportive, considerate love interest who could have … me?)

  Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life

  Speaking of motorcycles, here are some surefire ways to meet your one true love. Number one: Run for your life. It doesn’t matter if you’re fleeing from an alien invasion, a tornado, or an angry ex-girlfriend. (Yours, not hers. She’s never dated anyone before you. Obviously.) Fleeing is always a great way to hold hands, make good eye contact, and fall deeply in love.

  Close encounters of the romantic kind are often called “meet-cutes.” They’re a bright spot in any story, and I’ve got several more ways to help you cutely run into the love of your life:

  As these are all my favorite types, let’s assume you’re an aspiring Broody as you read these.

  • Get involved in some sort of dystopian plot. These things are really good at pairing off (heterosexual) ridiculously attractive teenagers, and always leads them to fall in love as they fight the evil, evil government in a nation that is most definitely not on a future version of Earth.

  • Be bad at a school subject. Girls love teaching. They love teaching almost as much as they love babies. Therefore, if you show absolutely no skill in an academic subject, she’ll be able to help you pass that test so you can play in the big game.

  Caveat: All girls are bad at math and science. When it comes to those subjects, they will be looking for a handsome male to instruct them, as STEM topics are too hard for pretty-little-main-female-protagonist brains.

  Oh, and they should also be terrible at walking. A good love interest trips at least five times a day.

  • Be born into a family currently feuding with another family. Over anything. A blood feud is just as good as any die-hard sports rivalry to create star-crossed lovers.

  • If you’re a supernatural creature, try to find a girl who has no idea of her destiny and obsessively follow her around. Girls love that. The creepier you are, the better.

  • Cause a dangerous situation. Chase that fearsome monster you’ve been tracking right into the coffee shop where an innocent young main character is studying. After the monster smashes the table and spills her latte, you’ll slay the beast, and she’ll be so grateful to you that she’ll neglect to point out you were the one who endangered her life in the first place.

  • Throw a party at her house. You know how you have a crush on the most sheltered, least likely to party girl in the whole school? Well, her parents are going to be out of town this Friday, so you should definitely throw a party at her house to impress her.

  • Declare you’ll never fall in love. You know what Authors love doing to main characters? Making us regret whatever we declare loudly and dramatically. Therefore, if you ever want something to happen in your story, all you have to do is very loudly state that it will never happen, and ta-da!

  How Can You Create Love?

  Simple. Be loving, kind, considerate, and patient. Learn everything about your love interest you can, be there for them whenever they need you, and always put them first. Take time to let the relationship grow like a delicate, priceless flower that needs attention and tender care.

  Or … skip all that and use one of these handy insta-romance spritzes. No main character has actual time to manage a relationship from scratch. Plus, if you’re too kind, you’re going to hurt your love triangle score (more about that on page 180). Considerate is the opposite of swoony.

  To save you time, I’ve highlighted some highly powerful scents that you can spritz on to help develop your main character style. They’re guaranteed to win you love, cement your main character status, and maybe even get you kissed. Just like you can use Febreze when you don’t feel like cleaning your house, the below scents are guaranteed to tidy up any love story:

  Star-Crossed Lovers Spritz

  Scent: The beautiful but doomed combination of a rose left out in the cold, unfeeling snow, and a single teardrop glistening on a vibrant red petal.

  When to Use: If you and your beloved are from opposing sides of anything. One of you is made of ice, and the other is made of fire. Your family is descended from a long line of tea aficionados, and hers, coffee junkies. You’re a die-hard Yankees, fan and she’ll never stop cheering for the Red Sox. Whatever the reason, the plot is determined to rip you two asunder.

  Warning: Uh, yeah. You’ll probably be ripped asunder. But at least you’ll smell really good first!

  The Bodyguard Musk

  Scent: The protective aroma of a strong oak tree embracing you, even though it ought to just stand all strong and treelike in the woodsy forest. Alone.

  When to Use: Let’s say you’ve been ordered to protect a beautiful person. Conveniently enough, you also happen to be attracted to said beautiful person. Your boss also orders you to not kiss the human who is, of course, the most stunning, lovely, funniest person you’ve ever met in your entire life. (But mainly, they’re really just beautiful. Who cares about that personality stuff, right?) This spray will ensure that you two will fall madly in love … despite your status as their bodyguard. Really, why doesn’t your boss assign you to protect people who are entirely repellant? Wouldn’t that be easier?

  Warning: You’re probably protecting the love interest from something deadly. This scent may cloud your warrior senses, resulting in you becoming injured in the line of duty.

  Culture Clash Body Spray

  Scent: The odd but pleasant combination of flowers and vegetables. With the crispness of carrot and the lushness of peony, united to form a pleasant mist. Not to be confused with the far more intense scent of star-crossed lovers.

  When to Use: You don’t necessarily hate each other, but you certainly have nothing in common. One of you loves Pepsi, puppies, and peppermint toothpaste while the other lives for Coke, cats, and cotton candy.

  Authors love nothing more than running a joke into the ground.

  Warning: As this scent lasts a short time, it may be hard to maintain a lasting relationship with someone you have nothing in common with. Let’s cross our fingers it gets you through the entire book.

  Eau de Fake Relationship

  Scent: The strangely sweet scent of a perfume sprayed onto fake flowers, with just a hint of the about-to-bloom real deal.

  When to Use: Let’s face it. Sometimes you need to have a fake relationship … for reasons. Perhaps you’re a secret agent and need a good cover. Or you’re hiding from your world-destroying evil ex. Maybe you have an insanely wealthy eccentric aunt who’s promised to make you her sole heir on the condition that you’re in a relationship. Gotta love those eccentric aunts who make plot happen.

  Regardless of the reason, you’ve got to create the illusion of dating someone, or you’ll end up in big trouble. No, I have no idea why the plot states that you�
��ll end up broke/dead/a social pariah if you’re not dating someone. Just blame the patriarchy, okay? So, rather than that awkward situation of asking out someone you really like and with whom you could have a meaningful connection, dab a little of this cologne on and imbue yourself with fake relationship magic.

  Warning: Well, your fake significant other is going to fall in love with you, 100 percent guaranteed. Hopefully that doesn’t cause any problems in your already incredibly complicated life.

  Spoiler alert: It will. Or there wouldn’t be a book.

  Stranger-Dangerously-In-Love Spray

  Scent: The intense, full bloom of a high-speed car chase followed by some improbably large explosions, coupled with the refreshing lemony fragrance of witty banter.

  When to Use: You’re facing a really, really big problem: the world is ending. Or prom is canceled. There’s no way you can save the day on your own. No matter how great a main character you are, some things are impossible to achieve alone.

  Like the tango.

  Or flying a spaceship.

  Same skill set, really.

  This scent will draw to you a perfect companion who will help save the day. You’ve simply never met them before.

  Warning: With that intense gunpowder smell of explosions, you may never get more than one kiss. It’s well known that in action movies, a main character’s aroma of attraction brings them a different love interest in each sequel. And, just like being a bodyguard, there’s a lot of danger associated, so a love interest might … er … die.

  Loathing to Love Lotion

  Scent: The overpowering stench of overripe fruit that blossoms into the sweet, rarest jasmine.

  When to Use: You can’t stand someone. At all. It’s not even that they’re your opposite (although, we’ve got a scent for that, too). Every little thing he does makes you want to rip his hair out.

  Until one day you grab a strand to do just that and immediately notice how incredibly silky and soft and beautifully scented it is. Everything changes in that moment, as his beautiful curls wrap around your fingers like silky ribbons. You cannot hate him anymore, despite absolutely none of his personality changing. You are in love.

  Warning: The constant bickering caused by early application of this scent can be very annoying to friends, family members, and even the birds in the trees above you.

  Rivalry, the new Fragrance from Bestselling Author

  Scent: The warring aromas of coffee and hot chocolate, twining sensuously in a dance of competitive and romantic bliss.

  When to Use: You have a goal: Get the highest grade on the test, or take over the world, or be the best ice-skater in town, and someone else—someone gorgeously, stupidly, obnoxiously talented, with far more privilege than you—also wants the same thing. Usually it’s a stupid boy, giving him all the powers of the patriarchy you might expect, including far more wealth and social status than you yourself have.

  That’s okay! You’re spunky! You’ll sew your own outfit, use cute rhymes on flash cards, and assemble a lovable, supportive group of other slightly quirky misfits to stand up against your powerful, rich rival.

  Great! … Except your rival is really, really cute.

  Perhaps … perhaps you two can work together after all?

  Warning: This sweet, richly aromatic scent may suddenly vanish, allowing you to realize your rival only seduced you to win the competition.

  Bet No. 5

  Scent: The thrilling, novel concept of placing a bet on a romantic moment of your life, chased directly by the strong, confusing crushed-petal scent of regret.

  When to Use: You are absolutely certain that you will be able to avoid the time-wasting idiocy of love, and have vocally made this known to all around you. Clearly, you should couple that boast with direct action, so spritz on this scent, thus ensuring that you will, in fact, fall madly in love.

  Warning: Alas, there must always be someone on the other side of the bet—the sniffer of this beautiful perfume. Are you so sure you want to turn a sweet, young love interest’s affections into a game?

  Oh, you are?

  Well, carry on, then.

  Eau de Mutually Being in Love … Secretly

  Scent: The fragile, soft aroma of sweet almost-kisses, buttercups, and words left unsaid.

  When to Use: You and your love interest are in love with one another but can’t admit it. Once you apply this perfume, each of you will realize you love the other one. But, hold on! Don’t ring the wedding bells/prepare the prom dress/summon the masquerade ball planners just yet. Due to the nature of this confusing, never-the-perfect-moment scent, you will declare your new found realization to literally everyone in the story except the person you’re madly in love with. You may never be able to actually confess your true feelings to your intended … At least not until the very end of the story.

  Warning: This scent usually attracts more than one love interest. And what better way to ensure that you will never confess your undying ardor to your one true love than becoming entangled in a relationship with someone completely different?

  Friendship Blossoms to Love Blast

  Scent: The bright, overly chipper fragrance of brownies and flower buds, frosted with aggravatingly annoying, Broody-free potential.

  When to use: Wait. Your friend is your love interest? Who would ever want to fall in love with their friend when there’s a sexy, broody, ridiculously good-looking and also potentially dangerous stranger in their life?

  I mean, seriously. He’s some nice, respectful guy you’ve known forever and I’m, well, a hot, rude stranger.

  This is an easy choice. (Just so we’re clear, the choice is me.) Sometimes characters get confused and make the wrong decision. Like when they try to apply this scent, not realizing how much better I am.

  Reader, Broody is just sad because he’s never had any friends fall in love with him. Ignore all this.

  xoxo, B

  Warning: Using this scent will blind you to how incredibly attractive that broody, dark, and mysterious other guy is. You’ll probably miss out on the love of a lifetime.

  # # #

  So, there’s your basic rundown of romantic relationships, or ships as the cool kids call them these days. Believe me, I’m captain of an entire armada of ships.

  Now we’ve arrived at the biggest of all relationship-related things, the veritable mothership of all ships: LOVE TRIANGLES.

  What’s a love triangle?

  I tend to skip all my classes except for chemistry—my love interest will always be my lab partner—but you wanna know what class I never missed?

  Geometry. I wanted to be 100 percent positive I understood how a triangle worked, so I could always win any one I found myself stuck in.

  In geometry, I learned a formula that is sure to help if you find yourself in a love triangle:

  a2 + b2 = c2

  Some Greek guy invented it, probably because he, too, was frustrated when he couldn’t beat his rival for someone’s heart. Bet he spent hours brooding in his toga, debating how best to win the affections of the pretty girl with the pet Pegasus who lived up the road. Then, bam, because he’s a secret genius—all of us Broodys are—he finally figured out the formula:

  a = all the swoony things you do

  b = beauty/broodiosity/best used adjectives

  c = chance of winning the love triangle

  I’m not sure why those tiny twos are there. Maybe they’re decorations, like pretty prom corsages.

  So, basically, if you’re not a particularly good-looking main character, or your Author was a bit skimpy on describing the particular gemstone-like qualities of your eyes, don’t worry. You can still win this love triangle! You just have to do extra swoonworthy things.

  Let’s look at Beauty and the Beast. That dude is so not swoonworthy. But he gives Belle a library! We all know that every single female love interest adores reading, so he gets maximum swoon points there.

  What if you happen to be almost as incredibly good-looking as I am?
Well, good news, you’ll have to do almost no work to ensure your eventual triumph in the triangle.

  As always, it is a good idea to review my notes on your rivals, and be sure to never let your guard down. I know a few main characters who lost out on a love triangle with only fifty pages of the third book left.

  A NOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO ISN’T IN LOVE

  Hey. Blondie, here. Again. With another little interruption for content Broody has forgotten to mention.

  I’ll be honest with you. (Shocking, I know. It’s a new thing for me.) I’ve never won a love triangle in my life. Even my much nicer cousin, Pathetica DePressa, who always gets stuck being that “female friend with an ill-fated crush” has never won a love triangle. At least she played an incredibly popular role in some French musical about barricades.

  But because I’ve never gotten to have a happily ever after, I’ve learned a thing or two.

  Mainly, that life can still be awesome without love. And love isn’t even always romantic, or based on stupid perfume scents. Characters who don’t have love, or who don’t want love, or who have the love of their friends, are just as deserving of the spotlight. Don’t listen to Broody. He acts like the only stories that matter are the ones with batting eyelashes and fluttering hearts.

  Me? All I want is my own story. My own role. I don’t care if there’s love in it or not.

  xoxo, B

  CHAPTER 5

  EVEN MORE ABOUT LOVE

  Right. So I’ve shared all my favorite scents, and all about my favorite shapes of love. What more could you want to know? Haven’t you gone out there and started kissing people yet?

  Ohhh. I’ve forgotten to tell you how to do that! Right. Let’s dive right in.

  Oh, goodie.

  xoxo, B

  How to Get a First Kiss