Brooding YA Hero Read online

Let me set the scene.

  You’ve found a love interest. You’ve bantered and blushed, batted eyelashes and battled evil together. And now, the setting around you becomes more vivid, more magical. Sudden stars appear in the sky, shining almost as bright as your own gemstone eyes. Flowers never before mentioned bloom and carry their scent on the sweet breeze. Your heart beats harder in your chest. You’re relieved to find out your heart is still in your chest and not in your feet.

  But all these details spell out one thing:

  Your first kiss is about to happen.

  One of the absolute best parts of true love is that illustrious, wonderful moment known as THE FIRST KISS. Granted, I, as a broody, attractive male, have never been concerned with my first kiss, only my last first kiss (unless I get brainwashed, forget you, and kiss someone else). But most female main characters should spend at least the first three chapters agonizing over this incredibly important moment.

  Well, worry no more! I’ve assembled some great ways get your first kiss:

  The Big Dance

  Ah. A classic. There’s a dance (preferably with a seasonally appropriate theme) and you’ve found a dress, lost the plot, and are ready for a kiss.

  Fight

  This is like dancing, except with weapons. As you’re swinging large, sharp, dangerous metal things at one another, sneak in a kiss, too. Don’t worry. Accidental beheadings never occur.

  Run Somewhere Together

  All couples are capable of running in perfect synchronization while holding hands, which means they can also kiss without tripping while they’re running.

  Get Stuck Somewhere

  I’m just saying, if you get trapped in a room together, you’re probably going to end up kissing.

  Sleep Somewhere

  No matter where you travel, there will always only be one bed. Therefore, the following will happen. One person will offer to sleep on the floor. The other will insist they can share the bed. There will be cuddling, and then kissing.

  Huddle Together for Warmth

  Shivering always leads to kissing. Because kissing prevents hypothermia.

  Sing Together

  I don’t know, my friend. The end of a romantic duet is always a kiss.

  Touch Her Face

  For any reason. Maybe you need to brush hair out of her eyes. Maybe you want to wipe a tear away. Maybe she has spinach stuck in her teeth. Any reason at all to touch her face is a good reason. After all, we all know love interests don’t care about personal space.

  Really, take advantage of any task you can do together, as long as there are moments for long, lingering eye contact.

  True Love

  What, exactly, is true love? Is it different than normal love? Absolutely. It is as unlike average, boring, basic love as the color “star-struck sapphire” is from “blue.”

  True love is when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life (or at least the next 103 pages) with another character. It’s usually something that should be declared … if not by defiantly shouting to the heavens, then at least whispered into your true love’s ear.

  At the very least, true love is what sells all our books and movies we star in, am I right?

  Why is love so important?

  Uh, because it’s the most powerful force in the galaxy, duh. There are very few things love can’t do. It’s especially good for expanding page counts, providing you armies of fans, and enabling you to accrue lots and lots of adjectives.

  It’s also, you know, just plain fun.

  What else can it do? Pretty much anything. I’ve seen characters come back from death if their true love kisses them. I’ve seen a declaration of true love enable a guy to find his love interest who disappeared in the middle of New York. All the guy had to do was shout, “I love her!” and traffic vanished and a cab appeared. I’ve even seen true love help two characters land scholarships to both attend the exact same college.

  I mean, love can even break the laws of science. I hear you scoffing. Okay, Broody, so maybe the others are possible, but this one seems downright ridiculous.

  You’re wrong. If the evil villain has placed a curse on your beloved, rendering her unable to breathe, the love of your life should probably die in, like … thirty seconds. Two minutes, max.

  But if you declare your true, undying, eternal, perfect love for her while you battle the evil dude? Trust me, that girl will be able to hold her breath forever.

  That, my friends, is the power of true love overcoming the laws of science.

  True love is beautiful and wonderful and a clear marker of main character status, although I’m told some protagonists go through an entire book series never finding it. How sad.

  I can assure you that’s never happened to me. I’ve never had a problem securing my one-true-love status with my love interests. And if there were possibly books in which I didn’t win the heart of my one true love? Well … we don’t need to talk about those.

  ARE YOU IN LOVE?

  Have you noticed something different about your breathing or your heartbeat?

  1. Yes.

  2. No.

  3. Um, no? But your breath stinks.

  Have you gotten called out for daydreaming in class?

  1. Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was just daydreaming now.

  2. No.

  3. Nope. I have gotten detention for plotting to ruin prom, though.

  How many friends do you currently have?

  1. None. They just didn’t understand me, you know? Always saying how I never have time for them anymore, and I’m too busy daydreaming/staring at a certain someone …

  2. A perfectly respectable amount for a fictional character (so, no more than three).

  3. I don’t have friends. I have minions.

  What color are the eyes you’re daydreaming about?

  1. The most cerulean-sapphire shade of blue, with hints of deep ocean blue and flecks of gold.

  2. Brown.

  3. I’m not daydreaming about anything besides vengeance.

  Have you blushed/stuttered/felt like you might faint recently?

  1. YES! All the time.

  2. Nope.

  3. No way. And if you feel like that, you might have food poisoning.

  What did the antagonist last say to you?

  1. “Aw, what a cute couple! It would be a shame if anything happened to one of you.”

  2. “Who are you again?”

  3. “Oh, hey, nice seeing you. Let’s catch up soon. Coffee date?”

  Mostly 1s:

  Yup. It’s love. I predict your first kiss is coming within fifty pages.

  Mostly 2s:

  Sad to say, you’re not in love yet. Give it time.

  Mostly 3s:

  Fess up. You’re really Blondie DeMeani, aren’t you?

  So You’ve Landed a Love Interest. What Do You Do with ‘em?

  Be careful! The last thing you want is to be the losing person in a love triangle because you failed to maintain the affection of your love interest. This leads me to the number one thing you must do once you’ve acquired a love interest: become unpredictable.

  You know what girls hate? When you tell the truth, show up on time, and communicate effectively.

  Always make sure you have at least one lie and a couple of secrets you refuse to tell her about. The more times you answer her questions with only stormy silence, the harder she’ll fall in love.

  Here is an example of two truths and a lie, created by yours truly. Can you figure out which is the lie?

  1. My favorite breakfast food is pancakes arranged in the shape of a snowman, with chocolate chip buttons and candy canes for arms.

  2. My ideal date is the circus.

  3. My kisses are so incredible, they have actually stopped my love interests’ hearts before.

  If you guessed that number two is the lie, you’re right. I can’t stand clowns. Those guys scare me more than a cliffhanger ending.

  But while you want to maintain a mysterious
aloofness, if you ignore a love interest too well, she’ll run off with your rival, or your best friend, or your brother. I recommend that you break down your time as follows: ignore her 60 percent of the time, lie 30 percent, evade 9 percent, and be romantic with that last 1 percent.

  If you’re ever unsure how long you’ve spent doing each of these tasks, you might try answering your love interest’s questions with a cryptic smile and/or a mysterious statement.

  Mysterious and yet romantic things to say include:

  1. I’ve never known anyone like you before.

  2. It’s too soon.

  3. It’s too late.

  4. All of this is happening too fast.

  5. There are so many things I can’t tell you.

  6. The clowns are coming. Run!

  7. Will you be patient with me?

  8. Don’t forget me.

  9. Please, forget me.

  10. Seriously, in case you forgot, clowns are creepy.

  11. I think I’m falling for you.

  12. I turn into a hedgehog when the moon is full.

  13. There’s something I need to tell you.

  Perhaps none of those romantic lines feel quite right to you in the moment, and you’ve found yourself facing a terrible, daunting, inevitable task: you’ve got to take your love interest out on a date.

  Scary, right?

  It’s one thing to topple dystopian regimes together. But planning a date? That seems so much harder.

  Don’t panic.

  Romantic dates abound for a main character and a love interest. Really, as long as you are a couple, anything you do can be romantic! I’ve had amazing dates just staring into my love interests’ eyes. Slaying zombies is good, too. The sky’s the limit. Unless she wants to go on a double date. Always avoid those. Your ideal love interest should have no other friends, so this will not be a problem.

  Sure, you may now smell good enough to attract true love, but keeping your love interest is not going to be a walk in the park. Well, except for when you two are literally walking in the park. But be prepared: you’ll probably get attacked by clowns or something.

  As a main character in love, you have a target painted on your back. Everyone, from the smallest monster-of-the-week to the biggest, baddest evil baddie, suddenly has no greater goal than to destroy your true love. The moment your antagonist even catches a whiff of the scent of love, they will hunt you down with the sole aim of stealing away your true love from you.

  Sometimes it seems like the bad guys are more focused on my love life than actually taking over the world. Weird, right?

  Trouble in Paradise_Surviving a Breakup

  I’ve got bad news for you. No matter how pure your love is or how much excellent eye contact you two have exchanged, you and the object of your affection are probably going to break up.

  At least for a chapter.

  Wanna know why?

  Readers.

  Those annoying humans hate when a couple just gets together and stays together forever.

  As a result, your Author is going to make trouble for you and your love interest. This may include, but is not limited to:

  • Releasing the evil exes (yours): We’ve certainly covered these in our exploration of antagonist roles, but as a reminder, if you’re dating someone at the start of the novel, they will absolutely turn out to be evil after you dump them.

  • Interruptions from strict parents (hers): Rather than getting her parents to understand and like you, just practice climbing into her bedroom. Your love interest’s room will always be located on the second floor, and the climb will always be completely doable.

  • Interference from evil parents (yours): I’m not sure why your father, the mayor/overlord/head-vampire has decided that it is more important to meddle in your love life than carrying out any of the tasks related to his day job, but that’s the way it is.

  • Being kidnapped (either of you, really): Probably one of the above meddlers carried out said kidnapping.

  • Finding out you’re engaged to someone else (usually you): A betrothed you don’t know about functions in the exact same manner as an evil ex, coupled with the additional annoying binding authority of the law.

  • Being brainwashed: It happens. A lot. Oddly enough, your love interest will never believe it could happen to you.

  • A ginormous misunderstanding that you two simply refuse to talk through: Communication is stupid.

  Don’t worry. You’ll usually manage to get through whatever terrible forces have torn you and your love interest apart. If you don’t, there’s always the sequel!

  Can you navigate the complicated and dangerous Maze of Love without getting your heart broken?

  But Broody, you ask, how do I get my love interest back?

  Well, do something really, really romantic. Save her life or buy her a prom dress (remember how I told you to take all of her measurements while you were watching her sleep?) or skip your big game to attend her birthday party. (You already secured the state championship, so it doesn’t really matter.) Maybe try overthrowing a government to impress her.

  Try apologizing to her dad for your general terrible-boyfriend behavior. It’s a well-known fact that men control the romantic lives of all women, so this gesture will so impress your love interest, she’ll never leave your side again.

  Also, I’ve been using “her” because these are all actual times I’ve won a girl back. I could totally get an ex-boyfriend to love me again using these same techniques, I’m sure. Substitute pronouns in examples above as needed.

  Another option: don’t apologize at all. Remind her of your tragic backstory/your evil father/how difficult your life is as a ridiculously attractive, wealthy main character. She’ll feel bad for you and immediately forgive all the terrible things you’ve done.

  You’ve found a love interest, got them to fall madly in love with you, went on a few romantic dates, ignored them a ton, and survived the threatened breakup.

  Excellent.

  Now what?

  Well, you have to ensure that, despite knowing one another for less than the amount of time it takes to order a pizza, what you two have is absolutely 100 percent true, never-ending love.

  No pressure.

  How do you do that? Sleep together? False! Sleeping together is very dangerous and can get your book banned or cause something tragic to happen in-story. You wouldn’t believe how many babies are born after one night of passion and then the father wanders into some war/curse/dystopia and DIES.

  Why would you risk this?

  If you have to, just roll around in a bunch of metaphors. You know, flowery stuff. Heck, you might even try rolling around in some actual flowers.

  But there are other options to ensure your epic romance never wavers that are far less dangerous:

  • Bring her into your supernatural creature club. If you’re a werelemur, bite her so she can be one, too. If you’re an elf, find some sort of magical reason for her to be by your side forever. If you’re a vampire … psssh, why am I giving vampires advice? You all have that “true love lasts forever” stuff down.

  • If you’re in a band, make her your lead singer. Yes, even if the only singing she ever did was into a hairbrush in her own room. She’s a main character. She’ll have no problem suddenly becoming a rock star.

  • Remind her that her destiny revolves around you and, therefore, all her future goals should, as well. It is a fact: your dreams are always more important than hers.

  • Get married. Granted, this is much easier in a fantasy world or in historical fiction, but wait until the sequel or the sequel’s sequel, and it might just happen.

  • Adopt something together. A park. A puppy. A scrappy orphan who needs a loving home.

  • Attend the same college. Don’t worry, somehow both of you will get scholarships to the exact same school, which will also have the perfect major for both of you.

  • OPTIONAL AND VERY RISKY BUT ALSO VERY SEXY MOVE: Don’t secure true l
ove status. Leave town with a promise to fix yourself and come back someday when you’ve become a better man for her. Fans will love you forever and write you tons more fan fiction (for more on that subject, see page 313) than all these other approaches combined.

  Okay, so by now you might be thinking that love is a lot of work. I’m going to tell you that’s … er … true. Sort of.

  I mean, look, love is work, yes, but it’s not like you have to keep it up for more than two years. You are a YA character, so as long as you have a true love by the time you’re eighteen, you’ll always have one, at least in the reader’s mind. Maybe all YA characters part ways at age twenty. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been older than seventeen. (Or, like, 17,000 years old, but I still look sixteen. And act like a six-year-old.)

  So just hang in there. Find a good smell, spritz yourself. Make sure your hair is perfectly tousled. Let it shade your gemstone-colored eyes. Practice your lopsided smile. (But make sure your smile reaches your eyes! You’re a main character, not an antagonist.)

  Lovely.

  Now go out there and make some romance happen.

  NARRATIVE INTERLUDE: WHILE OUR HEROIC HERO COWERS, EVIL LAUGHS

  Blondie leaned on the doorframe of Broody’s room, watching him write. Surrounded by his various medals and trophies, all of which reflected the golden highlights subtly shining in his dark mane, Broody seemed completely engrossed in what he was writing. She’d never seen him so focused on anything—aside from staring into reflective surfaces.

  Watching someone else write turned out to be fascinating. She’d never been friends with bookish or writerly types. After all, they were her sworn enemies. And she’d never felt much fondness for the Authors themselves. If they were too lazy to give her a good character arc, why bother? Male villains were given amazing arcs all the time. Sometimes, they even had larger fan bases than the heroines. But as far as evil female characters were concerned …

  They got nothing.

  Heck, sometimes the Authors even wrote Blondie as illiterate or as a book-hater because they were trying to make her feel even more isolated from the world of writers and characters.