Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Provided they’re, you know, pretty, privileged, culturally dominant, conventional women.

  Tasks:

  • Insult other women. A quick “Ugh, I’m not like other girls” is preferred, but we will accept angry tirades, too.

  • Befriend a boy who excels at the hobby the candidate is attempting to infiltrate. Try not to fall in love with him, even though it is inevitable.

  • Make no female friends, step on the achievements of all those who came before you without acknowledging their contributions (especially if they are women of color), and refuse to teach any other women how to do this task for which you’ve struggled so hard to gain recognition.

  Required Experience:

  A long history of being annoyed by your “girlish, silly” sister/best friend/rest of womankind should do the trick nicely. Although not always required, it would be helpful if the applicant is able to easily disguise herself as a young man for greater ease of sneaking into the boys-only club and, as a bonus, making her love interest question his sexuality. This may require cutting one’s hair and wearing boys’ clothes, and nothing else.

  To Apply:

  Fill out a form that states, “I, , am not like other girls and wish to overthrow the patriarchy, but only in a very specific, self-serving way.”

  Please ensure that the paper is not pink, scented, or otherwise “girly” in any way, shape, or form.

  Job Posting: Becoming That Thing You Hate (Like a Popular Girl or a Pop Star)

  Do you have strong opinions about a certain role in life? Perhaps you hate the popular kids, finding them vain and vapid. Or maybe you cannot stand pop music and wish to return to the days of good music … like anything from the ’80s.

  Well, we’d like to hire you to become that very thing you can’t stand.

  Tasks:

  • Begin the story with the best of intentions.

  • Slowly morph into the very thing you swore you would never become.

  PLEASE NOTE: We do allow for flexibility with your realization. Feel free to either come to understand that people are as awful as you thought they were and change back to your original state. Alternatively, accepting and embracing your new way of life is also considered acceptable.

  Required Experience:

  Depending on that which you do not wish to become, some prior experience may be required. For example, if you wish to apply for the “I Always Wanted to Become a Successful Actress but Now I’ve Realized Everyone in Hollywood Is Shallow and Vapid” track, we request that you have at least one prior acting role, no matter how small.

  To Apply:

  Accidentally become part of a posse of people or gain a boyfriend who will influence your rather malleable personality. One or the other should have the necessary application.

  Job Posting: Agreeing to an Arranged Marriage

  Are you a princess? No? Would you like to be one? Well, we’ve got a great opportunity for you. You’re getting married off to a total stranger!

  That’s right. Just write back to this job posting and we’ll pair you with some powerful character you’ve never met before in your life.

  Tasks:

  • Declare adamantly you won’t fall in love with him.

  • Fall in love with him anyway.

  Required Experience:

  Must be good at dancing. There will inevitably be at least one ball.

  To Apply:

  Turn sixteen. Wait for a royal decree.

  Blondie here.

  Yeah, I snuck in with another note.

  I’m not here to explain Broody for once. Because those job applications? Those are un-explainable. I can’t believe him. Are those really the only things he thinks main characters can do?

  I don’t know about you, reader, but I’m not trying to achieve main character status just to be some problematic savior character.

  I’ve listed a couple of job ideas below. Maybe you can nudge your Author toward one of them?

  Leader of a diverse, intersectional group of badasses:

  You, as a hero, must balance your own talents with the incredible skills of an intersectional group of other cool characters.

  Protector of your own (non-European) culture:

  You protect your family’s traditions and way of life against yet another obnoxious, pro-colonialism so-called hero.

  Self-Saving Princess:

  You’re strong, competent, and successful. You don’t need a dude to rescue your kingdom from evil. You’ve got this.

  Leader of a Necessary Rebellion:

  Unlike a rebellion based solely on giving Broody a chance to take his shirt off, this calls for a hero who is politically savvy, brave, and ready to persist until positive change occurs.

  What do you think? Aren’t those way better? Yeah, of course they are. I’m always right. At least until the turning point of the book. Comes with the whole “being evil” package.

  As for turning points … Oh, I’m sure Broody will cover them. Eventually. Once he stops complimenting his biceps.

  xoxo, B

  Don’t Give Up, Because That’s Just Silly

  Perhaps none of those job descriptions sound very appealing to you. Maybe you don’t feel you have enough main character traits to actually pursue such a position. Or maybe an antagonist has already attempted to foil your pursuit of your chosen destiny.

  Whatever the case may be, you might be feeling like this quest is going to be a challenge for you.

  Believe me. It’s okay to feel that way. Every main character has moments where he or she feels like giving up. Granted, none of us actually do give up. We’d be pretty awful main characters, then.

  So I’m going to remind you not to give up either.

  How would you get out of these bleak situations?

  Provide a two to three sentence response to each.

  You’ve been kidnapped. Your love interest might be planning a rescue…. But the son of the evil overlord is also pretty good-looking. Oh. And the world is going to end tomorrow if you don’t escape.

  Someone stole your band’s song for Battle of the Bands! It’s only five minutes until you have to go on stage, and your floppy-haired guitarist, far-too-loud drummer, and totally unnecessary tambourine girl are in need of your guidance.

  Your love interest has disappeared, after you two failed to communicate, yet again. You only have a few hours until you leave for outer space/summer camp/Kansas.

  You’ve been invited to a very fancy formal dance, but you have nothing to wear! Armed with only your personality, a chapter’s worth of adjectives, and hope. What will you do?

  Those were some great answers! Well done. Now, just in case that little pop quiz has you doubting if you really want to be a main character, I’ve made a list of lots of awesome things only main characters get to have:

  1. Your emotions control the weather.

  Have you ever tried to be happy on a rainy day? It’s pretty difficult. The weather is all gloomy, the storm-cloud-gray sky reminds you of my eyes …

  Anyway, worry no longer.

  As a main character, your emotions will always reflect the weather.

  2. Things come easier for you.

  That might sound silly, since you’re currently mired in a quest that feels impossible. But as a main character, certain things in life are just … easier. For example, you never have to shout, “What?” at a crowded concert. Everyone will always hear you perfectly. And you’ll never burn your tongue on hot coffee or get bitten by a mosquito or run out of toilet paper. These embarrassing things simply don’t happen to main characters.

  3. Your life follows an orderly pattern.

  You’ll wake up, go to school, save the world, come home, and never miss a single moment of beauty sleep. Everything will proceed along a track, where each event builds on the previous one. Events will move from first meeting to first kiss to first date to first time you battle zombies together in a regimented schedule that makes sense. Unlike in real life, wher
e you could have eight different first kisses and no dates, or have to take a test without an amazing study montage first.

  4. The only bad things that happen to you are plot-related.

  Don’t worry. You’ll never trip and fall in a puddle or forget your homework, unless it has important bearing on the plot. I cannot promise you a completely happy, misfortune-free path as a main character, but I can guarantee that you will grow and learn from each bad experience that happens to you along the way.

  Unlike me. I am incapable of learning from my mistakes.

  5. You’ll pick up new skills quickly.

  Speaking of learning, one of the coolest perks of being a main character is how quickly you’ll be able to grasp new skills. Ever want to learn a new language? As a main character, you’ll become fluent as fast as your Author can type your dialogue into Google Translate. Need to scale a mountain? Don’t worry. One quick lesson on rock climbing and you’ll be good to go.

  6. Most injuries are mild.

  Aside from plot-related medical events such as amnesia, you’ll never get little bumps, scrapes, or even concussions when you should. You’ll never even have calluses on your hands. Likewise, your physical size won’t stop you from being badass. If you’re a girl, you’ll be short and slender, yet capable of wielding a massive battle-ax if that’s what’s required of you. Pretty sweet.

  Maybe these reasons aren’t enough to win you over. That’s okay. You can take a little rest. You know what? We’ve spent a lot of quality time together already, and I am absolutely sure you have what it takes to be a main character.

  Even on days when it doesn’t feel like you do.

  NARRATIVE INTERLUDE: WHILE OUR DAZZLING HERO DREAMS, EVIL TAKES A WELL-DESERVED BREAK

  Broody found himself in his bed, with a throbbing headache, and only the faintest memory of how he’d gotten there. Had Blondie … knocked him out? And then dragged him all the way back?

  In four-inch heels?

  The girl was strong, he’d give her that.

  His gaze flicked over to his desk. He wondered if she’d given the book back. Or if he should get back to writing it. But … sleep was good. And he was tired. Surely he’d be able to finish it tomorrow. How hard could it be to write a book?

  Easy. Far easier than being a character in a book. He let his eyes flutter closed, practicing for when he’d next need to flutter his impossibly long eyelashes, and then sleep claimed him.

  He was just settling into a lovely dream where his trilogy was being made into a four-part movie series, when he was awakened by a soft voice.

  “Broooooody,” the voice called. “Oh, Master Fitzbroodum H. Trouserton.”

  He blinked. No one had called him that name in ages.

  When he opened his eyes, a figure hovered in front of him, faint, wearing a historical gown that actually seemed … accurate, with white flowing waves of fabric falling gently to the floor. Her hair was pinned elaborately on top of her head and she had a quill and notebook tucked under one arm.

  “Who are you?” Broody blearily asked, rubbing his eyes to clear his vision.

  “I am the Ghost of Authors Past,” she said simply.

  He rolled his eyes. A retelling. Wonderful. Now he’d have to act like he’d never read the original.

  Then again, he hadn’t. But he had watched the Muppet version.

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to give you a lesson on the history of fiction.”

  “What? I thought I was in a short story, not a textbook,” Broody called.

  “I’ll be concise,” she promised.

  He derisively snorted with derision, which was a complex form of disbelief and scorn. “I’m a main character. I don’t need a lesson.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Uh. Yeah. I’ve been starring in novels for yeaaaaaars.” He tried not to think about the strange, mulleted, neon-ed young hero he’d met in the Deleted Files Hall. That guy had probably starred in plenty of books in his day, too … and had never guessed his fate.

  Around them, the moonlight streaming into the room rippled like water on the floor, but unlike water, it could not show his reflection. Stupid moonlight.

  The ghost folded her arms and peered down at him. “Broody, literature has evolved over the course of centuries. You can’t simply decide to write a book in a day.”

  “Why not?” He tried to melt her with his most vivid smile, but it seemed she was un-meltable. It had to be because she was a ghost. Not that she just wasn’t interested in Broody. “I’ll follow the rules, I promise.”

  “What rules?”

  “You know, the main character rules. The plot rules. All that stuff that happens in every book.”

  The ghost rolled her eyes more magnificently than any character he’d ever seen. Well, she did have centuries of haunting for practice. “Broody, that’s just the problem! Those rules are constantly changing. You can’t just pick some version of them and act like they’re law. Why, it was a woman who invented the horror genre when Mary Shelley got sick of all the drama and decided to write Frankenstein.”

  “Who would get sick of drama? That’s my favorite thing.”

  She gave him a death-glare that, had she been alive, would have been terrifying. As it was, he discounted her. Because she was a ghost.

  And also a woman.

  “Although I represent all writers of the past, I want you to know I especially represent women writers whose work has been continually lambasted, ignored, and pushed aside in favor of elevating the male narrative.”

  “Well, that’s ’cause the male narrative is pretty damn awesome.” Broody smirked. “Am I right, or am I, like, super-duper right?”

  That earned him another eye roll. Really, this lady ghost-Author should just be grateful to have a few minutes of speaking time in his story. He was being incredibly generous about the whole thing.

  “Look, as a man, you have historically gotten to star in movies and books. Not only is it much harder for women to be cast in leading roles, it’s even harder for women of color and those of diverse, marginalized identities. They get way less main character access than you have. Just as I, Author of the past, began to challenge the narrative by including more diverse characters, I hope you’ll remember this information when advising people about being main characters.”

  “That sounds like a lot of work,” Broody replied.

  “Yes. Writing is a lot of work,” the Author agreed, “but it is the very best kind of work. The life-changing kind.”

  She handed him a notebook. “Here. A gift from the past. Use it well, and remember the power and responsibility writers have.”

  Broody shoved the notebook under his pillow. He didn’t need a new one. He was writing his book in a notebook with a mirror taped to the front, so he could always remember his inspiration for writing in the first place.

  He had only slept a few minutes when a new figure appeared over him. This being, too, was a ghostly being, but dressed in modern clothing—a T-shirt with a witty saying about writing, jeans, and fluffy bunny slippers. The spirit held a steaming cup of ghostly coffee in one transparent hand. Broody hadn’t even known ghosts drank coffee, but he supposed it helped them with all these late-night hauntings.

  The new apparition said, “I’m the Ghost of Authors Present.”

  “Oh?” Broody raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “Author’s present? Please, give it to me. I love gifts!”

  “No, Authors, plural; Present, period of time.” She glared at him through her glasses. “Learn your grammar! And please, stop being mean to the poor comma. It’s downright afraid of you by now.”

  “I love the comma,” he replied. “It’s got great flair. It’s like a cool tattoo for words.”

  She just shook her head. “Oh, Broody. You’re a pain.” Her coffee steamed up toward the ceiling, twisting into shapes that Broody thought looked a little like hearts.

  Hearts were his second favorite shape, after triangles. />
  “But I’m your favorite pain. We’ve had so many blockbusters together. When do I get to be in another movie with vampires and werelemurs?”

  “Actually …” She sighed, as if she might have bad news to tell him.

  He froze like a frozen thing, trapped on an ice-cold frozen lake. “What?”

  “Broody.” She repeated his name. “I think … I think it’s time you realized there’s a lot more to your chosen age range of books than werelemurs.”

  He smiled. “You’re right. There’re wizards, and dystopian regimes, too.”

  “No, Broody.” And now she sounded like a teacher. He usually ignored teachers, so he had to try extra hard to make sure he was listening. “Werelemurs, wizards, dystopian regimes … all those things are old, tired YA trends. The subject matter of young adult literature keeps growing and changing and breaking new ground.”

  He stared up at her, confused. “But why?”

  “Because that’s what books do. They change. They can change readers, too.”

  “I never change, though.” He tapped his chest. “Me, I’m always Broody. I’m reliable.” He paused. “Well, not actually reliable, because you know I hate showing up to places on time. But I am reliably unreliable, right?”

  She ruffled his hair like he was a puppy. “Maybe someday you’ll change, Broody. Someday.”

  He shook his head. Change was scary. Change happened to other characters, not him.

  He looked up at the present Author, and for the first time, he realized she sounded a little bit like Blondie, if Blondie sounded more like a main character, and less like an evil person. Which was strange to think about. Blondie had been a villain for as long as he’d known her. Even when they’d dated, it had always been in the backstory, never part of the actual narrative.

  The Author said, “Ah, well. My main task is simply to remind you that there are many, many books in the world with many, many stories to tell. Do you think you can remember that when you wake up?