Brooding YA Hero Read online

  There’s a slight chance I might like a nerdy movie, like Star Wars or Star Trek or Stargate or Stardust or … But, really, that kind of thing is more for my ultimate rival, Nice Guy Next Door.

  Also Me:

  Favorite music?

  Me:

  Something from the ’80s.

  I’m really hip. All the coolest modern main characters love stuff from the ’80s. That has absolutely nothing to do with my Author’s age. It’s just, you know, because I’m really rad, and down with it, and totally phat.

  My obviously-up-to-date slang is also the bee’s knees, smoothalicious, totally radical. You dig?

  Also Me:

  Least favorite person?

  Me:

  My father. My rival. My best friend (if he hits on my love interest). My teachers, who actually expect things of me, which is really rude of them. That one guy who spoke to my love interest once.

  Actually, no. I know my least favorite person…. It’s my love interest’s annoying best friend, who says totally untrue things like “I think Broody’s bad for you,” or “You should go to class more often,” or “I don’t think it’s healthy to make your life revolve around a guy you just met.”

  I mean, seriously. Who does that girl think she is? A main character? Absolutely not.

  Also Me:

  What do you look for in a girlfriend?

  Me:

  I have very deep feelings on this, so I’ve dedicated a whole section of the book to this topic. Please turn to page 163.

  But, in short, I’m looking for a clumsy girl who is ridiculously good at describing my eye color, and is so clueless that she can make a simple plot drag out for three books (and four movies).

  Also Me:

  Ideal first date?

  Me:

  Saving prom/battle of the bands/the world. Alternatively, doing something incredibly romantic for my love interest, and then refusing to speak to her for the next fifty-three pages.

  Or, you know, just staring into her eyes until our heartbeats synchronize. For details about romance, see book section How Can You Create Love?” on page 170.

  Also Me:

  You look great! I mean, we look great, right? We’re just the best-looking guy to ever have existed in a high school setting (potentially due to the fact that we’re played by a twenty-something actor). How did you get into such awesome shape?

  Me:

  First of all, thanks, but duh. Of course I look great. I’m the hottest guy in school/the kingdom/Hollywood for a reason.

  My workout routine includes eyebrow lifts (for maximum quirking potential), leaping over plot holes, high-jumping to conclusions, bench-pressing my emotions to make them easier to suppress, and climbing up cliffs I’ve been left hanging on.

  Also Me:

  Broody, what’s your deepest secret?

  Me:

  I … I just … I can’t tell you yet.

  Also Me:

  Maybe later?

  Me:

  I just don’t know if I can trust anyone. Perhaps, if people really want to know, they should first let out the breaths they didn’t know they were holding and begin reading this magical book I’m writing. Then they’ll learn just how dangerous I am. And, if they’re still brave enough to hold my gemstone gaze for an excessively long time, I’ll think about telling them the truth.

  So, although this book is called Brooding YA Hero: Becoming a Main Character (Almost) as Awesome as Me, I think it’s important to note that there is one type of main character that is far, far more important, more vital, more beautiful than any other.

  That is, a Brooding Hero.

  Now that you’ve gotten to know me, you’re probably pretty jealous. It’s okay. It happens to all of us. You wouldn’t believe how many Nice Guys Next Door have shouted at me, frustrated by my absolute perfection. Characters I’ve only met once challenge me to duels to prove they are no less attractive than I am. Even evil overlords dedicate a massive amount of time to sulking over my amazing ability to deliver quippy one-liners while fighting their minions. But, because you’re reading my incredible novel, I am going to magnanimously reveal some tips on how you can be broodier (although let’s be honest: you’ll never be on my level, as I am the true Broody, the Chosen Broodster, the best ever).

  Before I begin, I warn you that being a Broody will change your life, so this is not a decision to be made lightly. Clumsy main characters will trip and fall into your arms. Random exes will reappear in your life and detail their plans to win you back. Plot-specific prophecies will echo in your ears, reminding you of the destiny you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life. Puppies, plot devices, and small children will follow you around. And your clothing budget will skyrocket, because every time you pose dramatically for a book cover, all your buttons will fly off.

  Maybe that’s just me. Book covers always confuse me anyway, especially when I look completely different from how the Author describes me on the page.

  But if you’re absolutely sure that you’re ready to grow your broodiness, even after all of my extremely generous cautions, then keep reading. (But don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

  1. Intensify your expressions.

  No one wants a Broody who just “frowns” or “shrugs.” Make sure to add adverbs to everything you do. Bonus points if your expressions involve your eyebrows. Which would you rather do: “sneeze” or “wrinkle your handsome Romanesque nose, your chestnut eyebrows leaping in masculine surprise as you dramatically detect the offending scent of pepper invading your beautiful nostrils”?

  2. Revel in descriptive actions.

  Don’t “wash the dishes” like a supporting character. Instead, be sure to “slowly, with callused, strong hands, submerge each dish, as white and smooth as bone, into the glistening, lavender-scented water, while your eyebrow lifts quizzically at the concept of housework.”

  3. Hug people, but only if they’re short and your heartbeats synchronize easily.

  Be sure the person notices your strong arms. They must be described as strong, or how will this tiny main character you’re embracing feel safe? I recommend doing at least three push-ups per day to ensure strong triceps. You simply don’t have time for a longer gym workout; you’ll be too busy brooding, partying, and suppressing your feelings.

  4. Tousle your hair.

  I’m not exactly sure what this means, but I’m certain that tousled hair is much broodier than untousled. No matter how long you’re on the run from evil forces, as a Broody, your hair will never grow too long to simply shake out of your face (or you have a magic teleporting barber, who the reader never sees), which is very convenient. Don’t be worried if your hair “shades your eyes.” It will never actually obscure your vision, though it will do wonders to obscure your true motives from your love interest.

  5. Find a manly hobby that will come in handy exactly once in the plot.

  Examples include: lock-picking, automotive repair, and baking the perfect pie crust.

  6. Take up multiple bad habits that will in no way hamper you in the course of the plot, though they would in real life.

  Even if you smoke, you’ll never be short of breath when you’re running for your life. Likewise, hangovers only exist for female characters. As a man, you’re much too manly to face adverse effects from dangerous, possibly illegal activities.

  Heck, you’re even the only teenager who has absolutely zero problem driving any automobile ever. You were flawlessly parallel parking the day before you got your license.

  Wait. Who am I kidding? Fictional characters don’t take driving tests. We’re given personality appropriate cars.

  7. Find exactly one humorous friend.

  Two would just be excessive. Three would make it look like you’re in a comedy troupe. There is nothing swoony about a comedy team.

  8. Prepare a large reserve of witty comebacks.

  You may need to steal these from aforementioned funny friend. Use your clever quips often, especially in situations where
you’d never have time to say something amusing and sarcastic in real life. For example, if you’re in the middle of an epic sword fight, both you and your enemy should probably be gasping for breath. But a true Broody will effortlessly summon the breath necessary to issue a scathing insult about your opponent’s hair.

  9. Glare.

  At your teacher. At your reflection. At the weather. There is nothing in the world that can’t be made broodier with a good, deep, adverb-laced glare.

  Here, take a moment to practice. See that smug, handsome guy on the cover? That’s me. Give me your best glare possible, and see if it can make me blink.

  If I don’t blink, you’ve got a lot more work to do.

  10. When in doubt, lean and smirk.

  The lean-and-smirk fits any situation. The villain threatens you? Slowly cross your arms, lean back, and smirk. You don’t have your homework? Lean against a desk and smirk. Your love interest confesses she wants to be with you forever? Yup. Lean and smirk. Works every time.

  There you have it. A list of handy tips to increase your brooding potential. But though you may be able to apply the above practices to become more broody, only I can be the Broody. Please don’t become overconfident and attempt to make love interests swoon with only a smirk. Even for me, there are various levels of brooding. As a main character, I answer to all summons from Authors, even when they aren’t quite sure they need someone of my incredible level of broodosity.

  The first level is the Hot Guy with Brooding Moments. This level of Broody is required when the Author is trying very hard to be “discreet.” That’s a very silly word that means there won’t be many extra adjectives or ridiculously dramatic moments in this story.

  Anyway, this guy is one good-looking, cool guy. He’s probably lacking a bit in the adjectives department, and may potentially even be able to communicate his emotions effectively. Poor guy. He’ll never be the best Broody he can be if he actually has conversations with his love interest. But, as he is still someone with Brooding Moments, he’ll manage a few things to make me proud. For example, he’ll have at least one excellent sulking scene and a few places where he can display his manly rage. Maybe he’ll even get a chance to let the flecks of gold in his eyes sparkle.

  The next level is an Intentional Broody. In this instance the Author, aware of how wonderful I am, wishes for me to imbue the story with my incredible talents. This is the first level of Broody at which an Author personally requests that I, Broody McHottiepants, appear. The Author is careful to depict me with lots of adjectives, give me plenty of romantic moments, and at least fifteen occasions in which I refuse to discuss my emotions.

  Next up is the Sequel Upgrade Broody. This is when a “Hot Guy with Brooding Moments” or another male character … morphs into me in the sequel. Confused? The conversation usually goes like this:

  Author:

  Broody, my book is just so boring.

  Me:

  Well, have you considered adding more adjectives? Maybe a song lyric or two at the beginning to make it look all fancy?

  Author:

  I’ve already done that.

  Me:

  How about a dream sequence? Those spice things up.

  Author:

  I already have six!

  Me:

  Hmm …

  Author:

  Save me, Broody! You’re my only hope.

  Me:

  I am a very, very busy character, you know. But I suppose …

  (And here I pause for great dramatic effect.)

  I can become that random hot guy in your first book. Make him more … well, me. Which will, therefore, make the book less boring.

  Author:

  THANK YOU, BROODY.

  And so, I become the guy who previously was both boring and rational, and make him into someone far more dramatic, swoony, and all-around interesting.

  Usually, the fans don’t even notice.

  But that is not the pinnacle of my abilities. Once in a great while, an Author seeks to … create the most Broody of all Broodys. To summon all of my blazing, brilliant power into one story. This Author risks life, limb, and readability in order to give me the most dramatic scenes, the most incredibly descriptive phrases, and all the dialogue tags I can dream of. It is truly, truly a wonderful role to play.

  Note: I did not include the Character People Wish Was a Broody. This awkward situation happens occasionally, when an Author creates a character who they are absolutely sure is not a Broody. Oftentimes, he’s a supporting villain or maybe he’s barely even a supporting character. (That should be a big enough clue that I could never be him. I’m deeply allergic to playing a supporting character role.) But then, something unexpected happens, like a very, very handsome actor plays him in the movie version. Suddenly, all readers of the book expect this character to be … well … me. Ignoring that the character has done very little to be a Broody in the text, fans will give him all those brilliant talents I mentioned above. Sometimes, the Author gives in, allowing me to be this character in the sequel but, more often, the Author ignores the fans, and I feel caught in limbo between the desires of my demanding public and the Author’s. It’s not fun.

  I mean, it’s great to get all the awesome fan art and fanfic (more about that later) written about me-as-the-character-I-am-not, but I’d rather just be the star without ever sharing my spotlight.

  # # #

  Now, you may have noticed that I have not referred to any Authors by name. That is a personal choice. All Authors are powerful, godlike beings, who are capable of doing horrible things to characters. They can even delete us! And very few Authors ever write only one book. Therefore, in an effort to protect myself, I have vowed to never mention Authors’ names as I share with you all their secrets.

  Also, should you happen to meet an Author, would you mind informing them how brilliant, talented, and wonderful I am?

  Maybe even slip them my number?

  Thanks, reader. You rock.

  NARRATIVE INTERLUDE: EVIL APPEARS!

  There. The book was done. With at least twenty-seven adjectives and more than thirty perfectly necessary adverbs, it was certain to be a bestseller. Broody smiled at his masterpiece, his work of art, his autobiography. It was perfect. He should frame it. Or publish it. Maybe both.

  But the room suddenly went cold, washed in a foreboding doom that smelled faintly of strawberry lip gloss. The air carried with it the sweet sounds of last year’s biggest pop hit. Broody gasped, grabbed his book, and leapt to his feet. Only one character could be identified by her makeup right from the start of the novel. Good female characters always waited until after the plot dictated a makeover to start dressing up.

  Only one character could make Broody quake in his (manly, and metaphorical) boots.

  Blondie DeMeani appeared. He’d been right to be afraid.

  As always, she was dressed flawlessly, perfectly made up, her blonde hair in lovely ringlets. No matter the time period or setting, Blondie always shone like a radioactive star that would probably kill you if you got too close. Broody would know. Blondie was … his evil ex-girlfriend.

  Unlike a heroine, Blondie knew she was beautiful and flaunted it. Not one for non descript adjectives, or mousey hair, she held her head high, like she deserved to be noticed. That, in part, was one of the many reasons why she was pure evil. Self-confidence in a female character was just horrifying. And if that weren’t evil enough, Blondie had also been known to have her own motivations, which sometimes included ignoring Broody’s own goals. And she’d even kissed multiple guys other than Broody! Sometimes, she became stronger and more powerful after she’d gotten dumped. Totally ridiculous. Everyone knows that a woman with a broken heart should melt into a soft, mushy puddle of complete passivity in order to let plot happen.

  Truly, Blondie was an archvillain. All of New Story City feared her sarcasm, her wrath, and her shopping sprees.

  “What are you doing?” she asked Broody.

  “I—I am …
” He set his chin. “I am writing a book about how to become the most broody you can be.” He folded his arms. “And about being a hero. Which you would know nothing about.”

  But when her eyebrow arched, Broody stepped back. He wasn’t scared. It would be ridiculous to be scared of a girl. He just moved backward because it was a cool thing to do, not because he was retreating.

  “Sure,” Blondie purred. She was always purring. He sometimes wondered if she was a werekitten. “Of course you can write a book about yourself. That’s your favorite topic.”

  “It is not!” he thundered, his eyes flashing. Broody was 5 percent rain cloud, on his father’s side. “I … have lots of other favorite topics.”

  Her eyebrow quirked even higher. Broody cursed the fact she had gotten better marks than him in Eyebrow Expressions 101. Finally, she said, “Like what?”

  “True love?”

  “So you’re supportive of your love interest and that other guy in the love triangle finding happiness? Or your love interest running off with some other character who isn’t you?”

  Broody clenched his fists. No. That wasn’t okay at all. How could he appear in the sequel if he was written out of the love triangle? He needed to be the hero of all relationships. It wasn’t about his ego; it was about preserving the main character status quo.

  “Maybe,” Blondie said, “you should tell the reader how to become a main character.”

  “What?” Broody’s eyebrows knitted together. Good. Finally, he’d remembered an expression from Eyebrow Class. Now, Blondie would remember he was a character not to be trifled with. Only the most badass characters got to have dynamic eyebrows. “Why would I do that?”

  “Have you ever spoken to a supporting character?”

  “Uh. Sure. Lots of times. You know, I ask them things like ‘Hey, what’s that cute new girl’s name?’ or ‘Yo, dude, give me a compliment.’”