Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Blondie’s eyebrow stayed lifted like a golden arch of judgment. “Wow. Those must be some fascinating conversations.”

  “What else am I supposed to ask a supporting character about?” They didn’t have hopes or dreams or even the possibility of becoming a love interest.

  “I don’t know. Have you ever considered treating them like every other character?” Blondie drawled, studying her nails. They were, of course, painted the perfect shade for her—the bloodred of her enemies. Broody would know. He was usually her enemy.

  “No, because they’re supporting characters.” Broody spoke the words slowly, confused why Blondie was finding this such a hard concept to grasp.

  Oh.

  Right.

  Though she sometimes played the role of the antagonist, usually Blondie was just a supporting character. She never had an arc or plot points or any character growth. Once in a while, the narrative taught her a lesson or punished her for partying and being a badly behaved teen.

  Of course, the story never did that to him. Mainly because he was a dude, and therefore infinitely better than any female character.

  Blondie made a great show of checking her nonexistent watch. “You done interior monologuing? Honestly, you main characters spend longer doing that than actually solving plot problems.”

  “Yeah, well, at least we get to actually have plot,” he shot back. She flinched, pain widening her eyes. He must have struck a nerve he never knew she had. “I’m sorry. I … it’s just … weird being visited by my evil ex-girlfriend.”

  Blondie paced around the room, examining the souvenirs and trophies from his billions of main character moments. “Broody, why am I so evil?”

  “Well, you’re really good-looking, and you know it.” But after he responded, he realized he didn’t know what she’d meant. Was Blondie’s evil like his brooding? A very part of her being? Or did he just think she should be evil?

  Ugh. He needed to get back in a book, and soon. He’d started an interior monologue like some wishy-washy main female character. Blondie was evil. Period.

  A mirror flashed in front of him. Blondie spun it to show him his own reflection. “And you’re not good-looking?”

  “Uh, well.” He rubbed his neck, and took a moment to shoot finger guns at the dashing guy in the mirror before replying. “You’re also very rich.”

  “Yeah, so are you.”

  “I guess.” Broody turned away from his reflection, though it was very difficult to stop staring into those beautiful lapis lazuli orbs, and went to his desk. “Blondie, you’re an ambitious, beautiful, powerful woman. You’re never going to be a protagonist.”

  She whirled on her heel. “Just go back to writing your stupid book, Broody.”

  The door slammed shut behind her.

  THE INTERLUDE CONTINUES: GO TO SLEEP, PLOT COMING!

  Blondie couldn’t be right. There was no way. Broody had done what he’d set out to do. He’d written a book. Well, a very short book. But the very best book in all of New Story City.

  He riffled through the pages again, considering the facts. He had yet to receive another call from an Author. He’d yet to awaken in another story.

  And if he gave away even more secrets of becoming broody … there would never be a place for him in a story again.

  So maybe it was necessary to shift focus. Only a little, and not because Blondie had suggested it. He’d simply do what Authors did and make a quick revision.

  He flipped to the end of his notebook, tore out a page, scribbled something on it, and tucked it under his pillow. Then, he took a nap.

  Every main character knows that falling asleep is the best way to speed up a boring part of a story.

  # # #

  When he woke up, he rustled under the pillow, for the paper. “Aha!” He held it aloft, triumphant. “A mysterious prophecy, delivered to me in the nick of time!”

  All prophecies were incredibly convenient like that.

  The prophecy read:

  Broody McHottiepants, hottest, fairest, and bestest of them all. Thou mustest take on this quest. You shall write a book that shall describe the journey of becoming a main character. This will grant you …

  # # #

  The rest of the prophecy was unreadable.

  Which was odd, because he was certain he’d completed the thought on paper before his nap.

  How strange.

  Well, he certainly couldn’t refuse to listen to whatever a mysterious prophecy said, could he?

  CHAPTER 1

  BECOMING A MAIN CHARACTER

  I, Broody McHottiepants, from the bottom of my most generous and humble heart, have decided to teach you, dear reader, all of my secrets to becoming a main character. Keep reading to learn how to attain all those lovely adjectives and secure a perfect plot for yourself.

  I am most certainly not writing this book because someone dared me to. That would be very petty and silly of me.

  I am neither of those things.

  I might be described as mysterious, dramatic, handsome, brilliant … but certainly never silly.

  Who do you want to be?

  It’s a simple question, isn’t it? And yet, it’s a question fictional characters never get asked. Our lives are molded by all-powerful Authors. Maybe my evil ex, Blondie DeMeani, wishes she could be a bookish art school student. Too bad! She gets blonde hair, red lipstick, and a vengeance complex. Perhaps my funny, ethnically ambiguous best friend would like to be a main character and experience his own romantic plot. Alas, he’s doomed to always be in the background, while I take center stage.

  If only Authors would consider the wishes of their characters … Maybe I could even achieve my dream of starring in a series that spans seventy-seven books. That would be heaven.

  Hey, Authors? Call me. Let’s chat.

  Anyway, because you’re reading this book, I assume you want to be a main character. Excellent choice. Main characters have all the fun.

  What is a main character? Well, we (as I am always a main character) are the wonderful, dynamic beings who shape stories. There’s a reason it’s called Romeo and Juliet and not Stuff Happens in Fair Verona. A main character like me is able to save the world or fix a dystopian society, or even get a date to prom. That last one is the hardest, to be honest.

  Even if, once in a while, it’s a supporting character who steals everyone’s heart, odds are good that a fan’s favorite character is the main one. And you know what? Anyone can be a main character. Even you.

  That may come as a shock, given how … similar many main characters are. Don’t worry about that. For now, just focus on your desire to be a main character. By the end of this book, we’ll have you in tip-top main character form.

  What were you before your main character life began?

  Although we’re focusing on your future, I suppose we can spend a few minutes discussing our pasts. Think of it as a lively discussion about our prologues—our backstories.

  What was I doing before I started writing this book? Why, saving the day in a thrilling novel, of course. I star in more novels than there are stars in the sky (but not as many as there are stars in my eyes), so I’m usually very busy.

  Oh. You wanted me to go even further back to reveal the secrets of my dark, mysterious past?

  I’m not sure I can do that. We’ve only been speaking for thirty-three pages. That’s not nearly enough time for a first kiss, let alone time enough to reveal all my secrets. Just know that my secret past is very secret, mysterious, and sad.

  Very sad.

  The saddest.

  I’m sure you might have had a sad past, too, being a supporting character and all, but my past is still the saddest, because I’m me. And we know my emotions are far more important than everyone else’s.

  Anyway, it doesn’t actually matter so much what happened to you before the life-changing moment you picked up this book. Why? Because you’re now a main character! Or at least, you will be when I’m done helping you. I can see the m
ain character potential shining in your eyes, the possibility of a great plot lighting your smile, the hope of a trilogy glowing in your … eyebrows?

  I talk a lot about main character potential, because I firmly believe that one can sense main characters in the wild. How else would I always know how to fall in love with them?

  Main characters are also called heroes, lead roles, and protagonists. The last one is Greek for “a person who is a pro at being really awesome and saving the day.”

  I think.

  Look, you didn’t start reading this book to learn Greek. You’re reading it to unlock your main character potential. This is a journey that, like all journeys, will take you the whole book to conquer. You can’t just wake up one day and announce, “I AM A MAIN CHARACTER!”

  Unless it’s a “first chapter wake-up.” If that’s the case, make sure to immediately go to the mirror and describe yourself in great detail.

  Is it a first chapter wake-up? Here’s a quick check: survey your surroundings. Did you wake up just like every other morning, but there’s that feeling in the air that it’s the start of a new book? Potential plot crackles around you, and you’ve perhaps just had a very vivid dream? This is your moment.

  In a first chapter, it’s essential that readers know exactly what you look like, so amble on over to the nearest mirror (or reflective pond, if you’re in a fantasy novel) and describe every single freckle, lock of hair, and eyelash. Oh, and never forget to describe your eye color. You can learn pretty much everything you ever need to know about someone from their eye color:

  Brown: The most basic eye color. Very, very rarely are my eyes this hue, but it’s decent for characters who are approachable, kind, and honest.

  Hazel: A more flashly sort of brown. This character is slightly less approachable and much more likely to be flirtatious.

  Blue: There are a wide range of shades of blue when it comes to eyes. For example, cornflower blue eyes belong to sweet love interests who are bubbly and joyful. My shining, wild sapphire eyes show that I am intense and powerful. Many people have drowned in my eyes. Luckily for them, I have recently become a certified lifeguard, in an attempt to save more love interests from this terrible fate.

  And also to use CPR as a way to sneakily kiss them.

  Purple: More common in female characters, purple-eyed beauties are sensuous, romantic, and possibly a little dramatic.

  Green: One of my favorite colors. A little bit mysterious, intense, and vivid. Partnered with red hair, and you’re probably at least a tiny bit mischievous. If you wish to brood with an emerald gaze, I recommend dark hair.

  Blue-green: Your personality is changeable, your heart fickle, your beauty constant.

  Black: Ooh, you’re a very, very intense dude. Possibly a villain. Most certainly not a girl. Eyes this intense can only be for a male character.

  Red: There’s a high chance you’re a supernatural creature. Also, you probably have fangs.

  Gold: Dramatic, definitely a magical being, possibly a good guy. Lower chance of fangs than the red eyes.

  Cat-eyed: Some characters actually have cat eyes. No, I’m not sure why no other characters find this alarming, especially if said character isn’t a magical being. I’m also not sure it’s a color, but I thought I should include it. I’ll bring you some catnip, should we ever meet.

  Gray: A great eye color because it could be magical or just very rare and swoony. It does double duty! Great for maintaining your air of mystery.

  Almond: Uh, look. No. Just don’t do that. Don’t describe people like food, got it? (Unless it’s me, and I’m your hunky ice cream mountain of a man.)

  What color will my eyes be? Only you can decide. Crack out your most gemstone-like, sparkly crayons and get coloring!

  Now that you’ve determined what your eye color says about your main character personality, you’re ready for the next step. Just follow me on the dangerous roads I will lead you down, practice your steely gaze, and adopt the smirk of your choice (cruel, sardonic, teasing), and we’ll be good to go.

  Main characters are, in essence, the best of the best. The ones with the most adjectives. The ones on the covers of the books. They’re like the Olympic athletes of plot. The Chosen Ones and the Royalty and the Vampires (who may or may not sparkle), and … pretty much every Halloween costume you’ve ever worn.

  But Broody, you exclaim nervously, what if I’m a girl? I thought girls could only be love interests … And are love interests ever allowed to be main characters?

  Well, that is an interesting point. Sometimes, yes. Love interests can be main characters. (And sometimes, my love interest isn’t a girl.) As this book is all about teaching you how to unlock your main character potential, it stands to reason that anyone who reads it can become one.

  ’Cause I’m perfect, and that means I’m a perfect teacher.

  Let’s just go forward with some ground rules, shall we?

  Me: Broody. The most perfect, most magical, bestest main character ever. I’m the Professional Protagonist.

  You: A supporting character of any gender who wishes to become a main character.

  Your love interest: Whatever person you wish to woo. Substitute pronouns as needed.

  The Other Guy: My ultimate rival. You probably have a rival, too, so let’s assume “guy” is a generic term, and fits whatever you need.

  Got it?

  In Chapter 4: Finding True Love, I’ll tell you all about the love interests I’ve met, wooed, and allowed to tag along with me while I did all the work of saving the world. However, you, dear reader, will be able to go out and find your own love interests, of any gender. (Please don’t take any of mine, as I’m very possessive and jealous and will exhibit sexy, manly rage if you ever breathe in the direction of my love interests.) If you don’t desire a love interest, that’s fine, too! Just skip this chapter

  So yes, anyone can be a main character. Even you!

  Signs of Main Character Potential

  I’ll be discussing main character potential in great depth—so deep a depth it might rival the deepness of my sea-blue gaze. Everyone may have a moment or two of main character potential when they might stride forward and capture the title of protagonist.

  But not everyone is aware of these moments when they occur. Opportunities may whoosh by without you even realizing it. This is probably because many main characters are so clueless, they don’t realize water is wet. Which is why they need me. To explain things to them. Brood-splain, if you will.

  So to start, I wanted to draw up a list of all the important traits main characters may have, as a reference guide for you to consult. If you don’t have any traits on this list, that’s okay. We’ll keep working on it.

  • You have more adjectives than the average person.

  Everything about you is carefully described, from the way you roll your eyes to the precise color of those eyes. Your Author has spared no adjective or adverb in her efforts to describe you, and might have even used a thesaurus to find some new ones.

  • People often tell you things you already know.

  This is a burden that every main character must bear without a single eye roll or exasperated sigh.

  But Broody, what do you mean?

  Let’s say it’s the second week of school. Unbeknownst to you, you’re actually in a first chapter. You’ll probably notice this soon enough when your best friend runs up to you and says the following: “Hi, . Wow! I’m sure glad to see you, and I can’t wait to go to our first class, math. Then we have English, where you sit next to that cute person, . Remember how last week they flirted with you by telling you your hair smelled nice? Your hair is incredible, lush, and lovely today. And you have such eyes, just like your parent, . Oh! And don’t forget that today is your birthday, and you’re turning sixteen.”

  • People often interact with you in crowds, conveying useful bits of plot information.

  Maybe someone shouts,
“Wow! I hope no one goes to that abandoned factory full of werelemurs!” right when you’re looking for your werelemur boyfriend. Or, maybe an adorable small child gives you a useful plot token, like that necklace that will eventually unlock the door to the castle. Or at least a slightly important box. In general, most of the people around you seem to only have one role in life, and that’s aiding you.

  • You find yourself describing your appearance after looking at any reflective surface you find.

  A lake, a mirror, the blade of your sword … Any surface can be used to sneak in some of those adjectives used to remind the reader of your beauty.

  • You’re … different somehow.

  Perhaps you’re the only person at school with green eyes. Not only is this statistically close to impossible, but it also means you feel different from everyone around you. That’s because you’re probably a lost princess/half-leprechaun/Chosen One.

  • You just want to be normal.

  You’re a famous actress/musician/princess/potato farmer, but you’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an ordinary teen. Granted, you’re not curious about experiencing outbreaks of acne, bullying, or cramming for the SATs … Just prom and other fun normal-teen things.

  • You just want to be special.

  You’re an ordinary teen. The most ordinary teen ever. Perhaps even the only ordinary person in your whole family of famous actresses/musicians/royals/potato farmers, and you’ve always craved a more glamorous life. Granted, you’re not curious about actually doing the hard work of acting/learning an instrument/governing a nation/planting potatoes. You just want to experience the pretty outfits and other fun celebrity things.

  • Multiple people seem to want to kiss you.

  In the first three chapters, at least five characters have expressed interest in touching your face. You, of course, ignore their attentions, as you are only interested in someone truly beautiful, powerful, and full of main character potential touching your face.

  Someone like me. If I were just a simple, boring love interest.