Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Which I certainly am not.

  But you do have a very touchable face.

  • Multiple people seem to really dislike you.

  One person, in particular, really, really hates you, despite having never interacted with you for more than three seconds. They simply hate everything about you. They proclaim this loudly and often, so that everyone knows they are your archnemesis.

  • There’s something strange about your family.

  Maybe they forbid you from eating garlic or they disappear every full moon or use embarrassingly outdated slang. Any of these traits could mean that they’re actually supernatural creatures, and they’ve been keeping the secret from you your entire life.

  You’ll be mad at them for a few chapters, of course, but they had your best interests at heart. Everyone knows lies create insta-plot! And plot means main character status! (Don’t worry, we’ll dive deeper into plot later.)

  • You have no family.

  None. No aunts, no second cousins once removed, and absolutely no parents. You are also certain that this is completely normal, and not a sign that you’re in fact the missing royal heir whose family has been looking for them for exactly the same number of years that you’ve been alive.

  Wow. That’s definitely not you, right? I mean, what would be the odds that some scrappy orphan is actually a main character … ?

  • You have a meaningful item of jewelry.

  Perhaps it’s a locket with a photo of a woman you can’t remember, but who has kind eyes. Or a ring with a magic stone. Or a bracelet that states: IS THE CHOSEN ONE AND HEIR TO THE WHOLE KINGDOM. Whatever the item is, you’ll constantly examine it and ponder its vague, impossible-to-understand meaning.

  • Open your mouth. Exhale. Did you just let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding?

  I knew it. Main characters are always forgetting to breathe, especially when they’re talking to me.

  Stick with me, and we’ll have you rocking your main character look in no time. Trust me. Do you have any idea just how many protagonists I’ve given makeovers to? At least twice as many as there are pages in this book. I’m just glad one of my many superpowers is always knowing exactly what size a female character wears. If I buy her a dress, it always fits. That’s because of two simple facts: number one, all main female characters are a “normal size,” which actually means a conventionally thin size, because body diversity doesn’t exist in YA fiction, and number two, I make sure to measure each of them while I’m watching them sleep. How else am I going to know they need size six glass slippers?

  I’ll detail specific main character styles later in the next chapter, as I’ll be breaking them down into multiple categories, including love interests and Broodys. Oh, and Other Guys, but they don’t really matter.

  What Percentage Main Character Are You?

  Here’s how this quiz works. Keep going until you have to circle the word “false.” Once you do, then check to see what percentage main character you are.

  1. You already know your name, age, horoscope sign, Hogwarts house, eye color, and the ten best adjectives for describing your expressions.

  TRUE.

  FALSE. (YOU ARE 10% MAIN CHARACTER. YOU BETTER READ THIS BOOK AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.)

  2. You have at least one, but no more than three friends. Each has a distinct, and yet easily summed up personality.

  TRUE.

  FALSE. (YOU ARE 25% MAIN CHARACTER. KEEP READING.)

  3. You often find yourself narrating your life and refer to yourself in the third person in your own head, making it easier for a reader to learn your name.

  TRUE.

  FALSE. (YOU ARE 50% MAIN CHARACTER. YOU MAY CURRENTLY BE THE BEST FRIEND OF A MAIN CHARACTER. WORK ON USURPING THEIR NARRATIVE AND REPLACING IT WITH YOUR OWN.)

  4. You have a mysterious power/secret/hedgehog that you don’t understand.

  TRUE.

  FALSE. (YOU ARE 75% MAIN CHARACTER. DON’T WORRY. BY THE TIME YOU’RE DONE READING THIS BOOK, YOU’LL BE FULL OF SECRETS.)

  5. Your name is Broody McHottiepants.

  TRUE.

  FALSE. (YOU ARE 90% MAIN CHARACTER. WHICH IS GOOD, I GUESS. BUT YOU’RE NOT ME, AND I’M PERFECT, SO YOU HAVE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.)

  NARRATIVE INTERLUDE: WHILE OUR BRAVE HERO CONTEMPLATES HIS ABS, EVIL LURKS

  Broody let out a deep, voluminous, incredibly heavy sigh. How did Authors do this? Writing a book was turning out to be harder than overthrowing a dystopian regime.

  Just to be sure, he told his reflection, “We’ve totally got this! We’ll be the best Author ever, Mirror-Broody!”

  He winked at his reflection. Man, once he was an Author, life would be even better. He’d have thousands more movie deals, a top spot on all social media … All he had to do was finish writing.

  But, really, writing was awfully hard, and his hand hurt, and he was bored, and … And he hadn’t gotten a chance to take his shirt off in at least forty pages.

  Now would be a great time to go and find his comic relief friend for a game of sportsball. Maybe he could steal some amusing one-liners from his friend. The guy wouldn’t mind. He never starred in a single book.

  What Broody didn’t notice, and, really, only an omniscient narrator could have ever noticed, was the person lurking in the shadows of the hallway, waiting for Broody to leave. Watching.

  Plotting.

  One might even say … villainously scheming.

  A NOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT A MAIN CHARACTER

  *A Note on POV*

  Written by me, Blondie DeMeani

  Here’s the thing, reader. Broody is clueless. Note I did not say “kinda clueless” or “a small bit absentminded.”

  That’s because I don’t have time for all those extra-cutesy words he uses. When you’re a supporting character, you’ve got to make your limited dialogue count. Every line must be delivered as sharply as a swoosh of perfectly applied eyeliner.

  So, Broody is clueless enough that he won’t even notice I’ve snuck this paper into the notebook.

  Or that I erased part of his prophecy.

  But if you’re reading this, you probably have a good reason to. (Ugh. Fine. That was one necessary modifier.)

  So, throughout this book, I’ll try to sneak in some notes on anything that Broody doesn’t explain well enough. In return, you’ll remember I’m not the villain of this story, no matter what he writes.

  Deal?

  Lesson One: POV

  POV stands for point of view. In other words, this is the person who is narrating the story. Usually, they’re a main character. Broody will say that they’re usually his love interests, and in most books he’s in, that’s true. The dude’s got charisma, I’ll give him that.

  However, that brings up a valid, important point. A book can be in your point of view, and you can still not be the mainest main character. (Oh. Fantastic. I’ve started to sound like him.) This is due to a problem we call “agency.”

  Agency

  What’s agency? Good question. You’re probably asking because you’re a character without any. Agency is the ability to make decisions that affect the story and move the plot forward. Agency is all about driving the story—like the way I drive my red-hot convertible into the school parking lot to get everyone to notice me every morning.

  Still not sure what I’m talking about? Let’s use Sleeping Beauty as an example. Now, there’s a girl with very little agency. She’s a princess (which she didn’t choose to be) who gets cursed for the simple fact her parents didn’t invite some lady to a party (and as a baby, she couldn’t exactly say, “HEY, WITCH LADY, COME TO MY PARTY!”), and then she accidentally pricks her finger on a spinning wheel. Bam! She’s asleep and has never made a single deliberate choice that influenced the direction of her story.

  I guess I should be glad she’s got an evil fairy godmother, and it’s not Prince Charming’s evil ex who curses her.

  Now, if Sleeping Beauty had gone through a stretc
h of good old teenage rebellion and decided to seek out every dangerous-looking spinning wheel and deliberately pricked her finger with one—well, she’d be a girl in control.

  Meanwhile, Sleeping Beauty’s prince, though the dude remains nameless, has got some serious agency in the tale. (Of course.) He gets to slay dragons and decides to kiss some sleeping lady without even asking her permission first. (Classic Broody move. Always assume girls want you to kiss them.) He takes the fairy tale and he conquers it.

  Ugh.

  Anyway, dearest wannabe main character reading this, please, please, fight to have agency in your story. Do it for all of us supporting characters.

  Okay, let’s dig into POV.

  Your Author will pick your POV for you, just like your high school will pick your uniform for you. (Well, at least mine always does, since I go to the most elite, possibly-full-of-dark-magic, private school ever.)

  But just like a uniform, you’ll find ways to customize your POV. Granted, I might scoff at your customizations, but that’s because I scoff at everything.

  No hard feelings, right?

  Okay, so. You’ve got:

  1ST PERSON: You, the main character, are telling the story, using words like “Me, myself, and I.”

  2ND PERSON: The main character, is uh, well, “you.” Ugh. This is awkward. No wonder I never help main characters. This stuff’s annoying.

  3RD PERSON: Someone is telling the story about you but using your name instead of “I” or “me.”

  You’ve also got tenses to worry about.

  PRESENT TENSE: Stuff happens to you in the story. “Blondie smiles at me as she gives me the secret of POV.”

  PAST TENSE: Stuff has already happened to you. “Blondie smiled at me when she gave me the secret of POV.”

  FUTURE TENSE: What are you? An oracle? Pssh. Don’t worry about this one.

  Hope this helps! Or at least lets you plot a suitable revenge!

  xoxo, B

  Ah. I set down my notebook for a few minutes to go and practice leaning sexily against a tree (my favorite yoga pose) and I cannot seem to recall where I left off.

  Was I going to explain something?

  Ah. Yeah, POV.

  So, stories are written in a variety of points of view. Don’t worry yourself too much about them, all right? I mean, the books I star in are rarely in my POV, and yet … I’m still the most memorable, coolest character.

  In fact, sometimes it seems like the Author only uses my love interest’s POV just so someone can describe my gorgeousness and assign me as many adjectives as possible. I’m certainly not complaining about that.

  Sometimes, I get to have POV chapters in the sequel … or in an online-only exclusive, but it would be cool to have my own POV in the first book once in a while. Heck. My Author would probably get to have SIX movies made from her trilogy of books, and a knighthood or something. But, of course, that would involve the Author being smart enough to listen to me, with all my amazing ideas. Stupid Authors. Don’t know a good thing when they see it.

  Hmm … If you ever meet an Author, please tell them I deserve to be the POV star of every book. Also, please inform the Author that my brilliant, lustrous, blue-green turquoise eye color cannot fully be captured with only three adjectives—they require at least ten more.

  CHAPTER 2

  BROODY EXPLAINS IT ALL

  Okay, we’ve highlighted several aspects of main character potential. Now, let’s talk about some of the things you need to be a main character, and then we can jump into what type of main character you want to become. This will be an important choice, as it will dictate the plot that unfolds around you, regardless of the genre. (We’ll be discussing genre more on page 124.)

  Character Arc:

  As a main character, you should have a character arc. No, not a giant boat to fill up with matching pairs of animals—that’s an ark. An arc is a shape going from point A to point B to point C, like below.

  See?

  All main characters start at point A.

  You know who doesn’t start at point A? NON-main characters. Supporting characters.

  BLONDIE DeMEANI, that’s WHO.

  Ahem.

  Here: have a diagram of Blondie’s arc.

  See? No arc. No potential to be anything but an evil ex-girlfriend. Got it? I mean, I know you, dear reader, are aware that Blondie isn’t a main character, but just in case she teleports into your room … maybe remind her of that fact?

  Anyway, let’s get back to talking about something much better: me. I always have a character arc. I will admit to you, fabulous reader, that I, Broody McHottiepants, begin each story as a flawed character.

  There’s nothing wrong with flaws, though. They shape us and aid us with plot. Thanks to the plot I transform from my flawed self into my absolutely perfect self, so that by the end of the book, readers are so in love with me they’ll buy the sequel.

  What flaws could I have?

  Ordinarily, I would never share this list, but as you and I have built up a certain level of trust over the past few pages, I feel confident you won’t share these with all of your friends or my enemies. (Or the characters who are both your friends and my enemies. Darn nice-villains. Always confusing.)

  1. I care too much about you.

  2. I don’t care at all about anyone.

  3. I only care about myself.

  4. I ignore my emotions.

  5. I ignore you.

  6. I ignore basic manners, social norms, and general decent human behaviors.

  7. I’m not human.

  8. I’m not actually alive.

  See? There are plenty of flaws for you to choose among. Also, get used to that list, because I’ll need you to do all the work to help me change into a semi-decent person. As an attractive, brooding male, I simply don’t have the time to devote to improving myself.

  Oh, and by the way, while you’re working on improving me, you’re going to have to improve yourself, too.

  Isn’t being a main character great?

  Types of Main Characters

  Now that you know about character arcs and the flaws main characters need to overcome, I think we’re ready to dive into various types of main characters and how they differ from one another.

  There are many, many kinds of main characters in young adult fiction. I could describe them for days, but that might put you to sleep. And although I have been known to kiss many fair slumbering maidens awake (preferably without asking them if they’d like to be kissed), currently, I’m rather incapable of doing so. Paper cuts.

  I know. It’s a real tragedy. My kisses have been known to make knees buckle and stop hearts from beating.

  For the sake of simplicity, I’ve broken down main character types into four categories:

  1. Broodys

  2. Love Interests

  3. Other Guys

  4. Antagonists

  Broodys

  If you just asked, “What’s a Broody?” I’m not going to respond. Instead, I’ll slink off to the dark, moody woods where I will sulk for days. The woods are a wonderful place for sulking—there are trees to hide in, like how I hide my emotions from the world, green leaves the exact color of my dazzling emerald orbs, and moss as soft and fluffy as my hair.

  You’ve been reading this book for how long? And you can’t remember what a Broody is?

  But yes, I am the embodiment of all the brooding, attractive male characters in every book in the YA world. As such, I happen to know a lot about my various forms. Granted, I am devastatingly handsome in all of my incarnations, and my bright wit and broken heart are sure to win you over if my dashing smile fails to (a rare occurrence, I assure you).

  Think of the below types of Broodys as various colors of the same awesome car. (Or horse, depending on your time period.) They’ll all get you where you need to go (a.k.a. to a trilogy/movie deal/award-winning novel) but you can only use one model at a time. Some Broody features come standard. These include angst about my past, casua
l misogyny, a deep love of my own self-importance, and really nice hair.

  Oh. And in the below descriptions, we’re just going to assume you’re my love interest. Who wouldn’t want to be my love interest, right?

  So many people, Broodster. Dozens, thouosands, of people aren’t in love with you.

  xoxo, B

  Top Types of Broodys

  The Contemporary, Standard Broody

  Description: Sure, I just used the word standard, which might be interpreted as a very boring descriptive phrase for someone as incredible as me. But isn’t it a good thing to have standards? Especially when it comes to your love life?

  This version of me is exactly that. I’m the basic Broody model, with great hair, a blazing bright smile that could blind entire villages, and deep emotional distress I’ll refuse to talk about. I’m most commonly found in high school settings. You’ll recognize me because I’ll be the attractive, unattainable guy at whom you won’t be able to stop staring. Aside from my raging male jealousy and my incessant need to ignore everything my love interest says, all of my other traits will be filled in according to the requirements of the plot.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My smirk. As a standard Broody, without a fancy outfit or cool sci-fi gear to distract you from my adjective-infused bod, you’ll be inclined to stare into my shining eyes more. Since this is technically the “real world,” my eye color will probably be limited to boring real colors, though as a Broody, they’ll still be a rich hazelnut, and not blah boring brown.

  The Historical Broody

  Description: This version of me is usually a gentleman and almost always sophisticated. (Unless we’re in the Wild, Wild West, and then I’ll be a rough-around-the-edges cowboy.) I look dapper in a cravat, even if I’m not exactly sure what a cravat is, and I’ll probably have a nice hat, too. Despite existing in a long-ago time (or the eighties … although certain Authors get upset when I call that Historical. No idea why.), I’ll have modern mannerisms and be utterly delighted that my love interest is such an unusual girl for her era. Why, she wants to read and vote? Capital! (I’ll also use random historical slang, even if it’s anachronistic, because it makes me more dashing.)