Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Likewise, I’ll be free of all common habits or vices that might shock a modern reader. I certainly won’t have a snuffbox or wooden teeth. Thankfully, I’ll also avoid awkward historical fashion choices like the codpiece. In short, I’m about as historically accurate as a really good Halloween costume.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My incredible, adorably antiquated manners. Have you ever wanted a man to hold your carriage door open for you? Or arrange to marry you without ever speaking to you? I can do both of those things!

  The Jock Broody

  Description: I like sports. I’m very fit, and I’m also very popular. That’s about it.

  I mean, I might also throw really good parties and have a conflict with my father who has unrealistic expectations about me, but what Broody doesn’t do those things?

  The sport I play doesn’t matter. Usually, it’s football, but don’t worry, there will never be an in-novel narration of any of my games, probably because my Author finds the sport incredibly boring. I may also run track or play hockey. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been a competitive fencer or bowler, but who knows what the future holds?

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My letterman’s jacket. This very warm, highly coveted item will be yours one day, as the plot and weather will conspire to make sure you’re shivering and I’ll be uncharacteristically courteous and insist you take it. You’ll secretly sleep in it, pretending that you’re actually wrapped in my warm, manly arms.

  The Mysterious Foreign Broody

  Description: This version of me comes in two flavors:

  The poorly researched, ambiguously brown Broody

  I come from a foreign country that’s probably made up, or might as well have been, for all the accuracy of the Author’s portrayal. My skin will be described as a shade of chocolate or coffee, which will be highly offensive, but my Author will find it romantic. I’ll speak perfect English, but I’ll be sure to use my mother tongue (thanks, Google Translate!) for two things: swearing and terms of endearment.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My complete lack of any accuracy or respect for the nationality I represent.

  The British Broody

  Usually, a result of my Author binge-watching far too much BBC without ever doing any actual research on the assorted cultures and traditions of Great Britain. As a British Broody, I’ll be from London, because there really are no other cities in all of the UK, or maybe Scotland (that’s basically a city, right?), and I’ll have a dashing accent. I’ll exclaim, “Bloody hell!” at least once per book, and enjoy tea, crumpets, tea cakes, and anything else involving tea, but will never ever drink coffee because coffee does not exist in England and that is a fact.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My accent. Yes, it bears repeating. American readers simply cannot get enough of a British accent. We could be reading them the dictionary, and they’d still swoon.

  Watch.

  “Hullo, luv. Fancy a cuppa?”

  You totally swooned. Admit it.

  The Handsome Loner Broody

  Description: I don’t have any friends, and I don’t want any. This will, of course, make my love interest all the more determined to become my friend. And once she learns that I have a deep, dark secret that requires me to stay away from everyone else? She’ll stick to my side like Velcro. Please note: The actual secret doesn’t matter. It could be that I am the last in a proud line of werelemurs, or simply that I’m allergic to pumpkin spice lattes. Whatever it is, it will attract my love interest. Secrets are like catnip to girls.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My inability to trust anyone. Sure, this might not sound romantic to you right now, but I assure you it is. Just wait until I finally, finally start to lower my walls after you’ve spent 230 pages performing heavy emotional labor to help me with all my issues. That will be epically swoonworthy, right? Maybe we’ll even spend a whole five pages on your problems.

  The Guy in a Band Broody

  Description: I’m in a band. It’s a pretty sweet gig, especially because my tour bus is about the size of a mini-mall. I’ll write at least one love song about my heroine, and I might even be willing to give up my fame for her. You see, I just want to be normal … provided “normal” still includes “ridiculously attractive and also wealthy.”

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My meaningful tattoo. My Author spent at least thirteen hours researching this tattoo, picking out its precise significance and location on my perfectly chiseled body. It will not only show just how rebellious I am, but will also be used as a plot device to convey an important part of my backstory.

  The Military Broody

  Description: As the leader in the rebellion/captain of the hot-royal-dude’s guard/improbably young general, I’m stern, serious, and incredibly muscular. I’ll probably be in charge of training you to be a better warrior, which I will do shirtless.

  Everyone knows shirtless is the safest way to fight.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My abs. Or my dedication to duty.

  But mainly, my abs.

  The Lovable Rogue Broody

  Description: I break the rules. But in a really attractive way. I’m short-tempered and quick-witted, but I have a soft, melty-warm center. I’ve probably saved a bunch of orphans or I volunteer at an animal shelter … or at least I don’t often push people into oncoming traffic. I’ll challenge you to leave behind whatever moral code you think is right, and promise to make you “live a little.” My mode of transportation is incredibly dangerous but very sexy—a motorcycle/stallion/the fastest ship in the galaxy.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My quick wit, especially in the face of certain doom. Look, all Broodys are witty. I totally get that. But I’m … extra witty. Perhaps because I’ve lived such a hardscrabble life or because I’m utterly fearless, I’ll be sure to make cutting, sarcastic quips, even when facing down the Evil Powers That Be.

  The Paranormal Broody

  Description: I’m a mythical being, and I look like a teenager … mostly. I’ll have at least one dramatic beautiful trait that makes me different from all of those other average humans that have asked my love interest to prom. Due to my supernatural superness, there’s a good chance I’m very dangerous, and an even greater chance that I am incredibly dramatic. But I’m also a great boyfriend! I’ll do super-romantic things like kidnap you or turn you into an undead monster or ignore you for the entire school year before kissing you. That’s because one of my magical traits is my inability to exhibit any common human decency.

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: My eyes. Whatever color they are, you’ve never seen anything like them before. Often, they even have their own magical powers, which will be revealed when you gaze deep into them, like willing you to forget all the plot holes in our story.

  The Princely Broody

  Description: I’m a prince or duke or emperor or … basically any male in a position of power over a country, city, or municipality. Because of this, I’ll be a bit of a womanizing jerk—Who am I kidding? I’ll be a bit of a jerk no matter how much power I have—and will need a sweet protagonist like you to make me realize the error of my ways. My magnificent parties and flawless sense of style have probably bankrupted my kingdom, but you won’t mind after I give you a taxpayer-funded makeover, right?

  Most Common Swoonworthy Feature: Uh, did you not see the part about my incredible wealth? My castle? My impressive stable full of horses and/or unicorns?

  Fine, fine. Let me also mention my GIANT WARDOBE full of pretty dresses that just happen to be in your size.

  The Forbidden Broody

  Description: I cannot be with you, dearest love interest, for reasons that … depend totally on the plot. They may range from “I’m going to die if you kiss me,” all the way to “My friend doesn’t like you very much.” But somehow, we will find a way to be together. Granted, we, uh, might not both survive after we do get to be together … But that’s just a minor detail, right?

  Most Common Swoonwor
thy Feature: My ability to draw you closer in very romantic moments, and then push you away dramatically.

  Common Variations:

  The Broody who is your brother’s best friend

  The relationship is forbidden by your brother, because he and his best friend treat women horribly, and if you were to date me, your brother’s best friend, you’d realize that. Granted, a better option would be for your brother to just stop treating women so poorly, but why should he have to do any work?

  The Broody who is the brother of your best friend

  Not to be confused with the previous category, this version of me is off limits because you’d end up spending time with me instead of your best friend. Obviously, your BFF should realize that she’s never going to get much screen time, no matter what version of the story she’s in, and should just let us be together.

  Love Interests

  I’ll give you a moment to rouse yourself from your dreamlike stupor. After assembling so many lovely, lovely Broodys in one place, it’s to be expected that you’d be a bit dazed.

  But now it’s time to talk about female main characters. Since I am the main character, I call these my love interests, but I’d like to take a moment to remind you that every last one of you is worthy of having whatever love interest you want. Please substitute any and all pronouns in this book. Love is love.

  And if you chose to have a story without a love interest, that is completely fine, too. You’re always a main character, remember? Ignore anyone, and any story, that doesn’t make you feel like one.

  As I am the one writing, please know:

  She

  =

  the love interest (Change pronouns as needed. I, for one, would like more occasions where my love interest uses he/his or they/them. Authors? Get on that.)

  Me/I

  =

  Broody (Don’t change a thing about me. I’m perfect.)

  Anyway, let’s get moving on these love interests—er, sorry—this subcategory of main characters.

  Ordinary Love Interest

  Description: She is very plain and ordinary and thinks nothing will ever happen to her. (She’s wrong! I’ll fall in love with her!)

  Habitat: Her room, because she has no friends and/or has strict parents. Or a punnily named coffee shop. Really, anywhere she can ponder her boringly normal existence and daydream about dating me.

  Hobbies: Wishing something exciting would happen; writing in her diary about her dreams; daydreaming about me.

  Defining Features: None. She’s ordinary, remember?

  But wait! Because she doesn’t have any self-esteem, I bet she’ll fall madly in love with me if I tell her she’s beautiful. This will be easy to do, because although the Ordinary Love Interest assures everyone via her narration that she’s ordinary and plain, she’ll also be thin (perhaps even willowy) or maybe curvy (but, you know, only socially acceptable curvy), with long eyelashes framing bright eyes, and a button nose that will be adorned with a small smattering of freckles. The rest of her skin will be flawless.

  Ordinary-But-Actually-Magical Love Interest

  Description: She always thought she was ordinary … well, aside from never knowing her birth parents/that strange event that happened to her when she was a child/her incredibly vivid dreams. But now, after a single kiss from me, she knows she isn’t.

  Habitat: A creepy, small town or New York City. All paranormal roads lead to New York City.

  Hobbies: Stumbling into a secret paranormal world she had no idea existed; wondering about her birth parents’ identities; being clumsy; being secretly more powerful than anyone else at whatever magic exists in her world.

  Defining Features: Abnormally colored eyes, usually in the shade of a gemstone. Possibly wings or pointed ears or pointed teeth or pointed … toes?

  Not-Like-Other-Girls Love Interest

  Description: This girl loves stuff that no other girl does. Like cool music. And board games. And roller skating. She’s so original that she simply can’t stand any other girl because they could never understand her. But I can. Granted, I’ll choose not to understand her for at least the first five chapters, but that’s just for the sake of our plot.

  Never say I’m not generous.

  Habitat: Someplace other girls don’t hang out. No, not the men’s bathroom. Think a skate park or a record store. Wherever it is, she makes sure there are absolutely no other girls there, even if she has to lock them in the previously mentioned men’s bathroom. Because she’s not like other girls.

  Hobbies: Judging other girls; being into stuff she assumes other girls don’t like.

  Defining Features: She’s tough. She’s tiny (remember, love interests are never tall), but she’s tough. She probably has a band tee or two, but cuts it in a sexy way to show you she’s still a girl.

  Manic Pixie Dream Girl Love Interest

  Description: Ah yes, the manic pixie dream girl. I know her well. She has taught me how to live my life many times, what with her vintage dresses, quirky date ideas, and silly phrases that make no sense if you actually think about them. Her life goal is to fulfill all of a male character’s emotional needs while managing to have absolutely no character arc of her own.

  Habitat: Wherever I need her most.

  Hobbies: Fixing my life, being quirky, singing. She loves singing. And dancing. Usually in places where singing and dancing should not occur, like funeral homes and the principal’s office.

  Defining Features: Neon bright hair or some sort of 1950s style. Bright eyes. A constant, bubbly giggle. More pep to her step than every other character combined.

  Strong Female Character Love Interest

  Description: The Strong Female Character is here to kick butt and take names. But she’s also, you know, here to fall in love with me, revealing her soft, squishy side. There’s no battle she can’t win, unless it’s one where she gets knocked unconscious and I, as male hero, have to save her.

  Habitat: The practice ring of her badass sport/form of combat.

  Hobbies: Fighting people, arguing, flashing her eyes dangerously, hiding her deepest feelings.

  Defining Features: Surprisingly, she has almost no muscle definition, despite her incredible strength. If she has a scar, it’s small, and in no way detracts from her overall beauty.

  The Bookish, Writerly, In-No-Way-a-Version-of-the-Author Love Interest

  Description: She’s pretty, but doesn’t know it. She’ll have a few physical attributes she really dislikes and will complain about them often, whether they’re her hips or her nose. Oddly enough, these are the same features that the Author dislikes about herself. (Hey, Author? Are you listening? You’re beautiful, just the way you are. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll write me a sequel.)

  Habitat: The library. All love interests love libraries, but this one really adores them. She might even work there, or at a bookstore. There’s always one book she’s absolutely in love with. At least she is, until she meets me. Then she’s in love with me.

  Hobbies: Uh, reading and writing, duh. And more artistic pursuits such as painting or music. If there’s modern technology in the book, she’ll certainly be a book blogger and take more Bookstagram photos than the rest of the Internet.

  Her other hobby, of course, is arguing with her parents. That’s because they don’t want her to be a writer/ballerina/other artistic pursuit. They’ll lecture her with the exact same doubts and fears that swirl in the Author’s head. Therefore, when The Bookish, Writerly, In-No-Way-a-Version-of-the-Author Love Interest triumphs, finds love with me, and wins at her art, well, it’s the Author’s win, too.

  Defining Features: Often, her hair is pulled back in a bun and secured with a pencil for extra writerly points. Of course, she’ll have glasses, too, so that when I, in all my Broody wonderfulness, remove them and free her hair from the bun, not only will she be more conventionally beautiful, but she’ll barely be able to see me, making me even more glorious to behold.

  The Other Guys

/>   These guys are the absolute worst. If you’re one of these characters, please do me a favor and leave any story we share, okay? I know love triangles are good to create tension in the plot, but I’d prefer my rivals to be incredibly bland and very easy to beat.

  Anyway, here are the typical rivals I might have in a story.

  As always, here’s my note on what the descriptions refer to. Honestly, you’re so lucky to have such a kind, giving, incredibly swoonworthy dude writing this book for you. Could you imagine if a different, lesser, fictional character archetype wrote it for you?

  In the “Other Guys” section, we’ll assume that “you” is you, dear reader, who is clearly deeply in love with me, Broody.

  The Nice Guy Next Door

  Description: You’ve known him forever, but never noticed him before the story began. He’s different now. He’s attractive and has manners and gets along with your parents. (Yuck.) As far as physical features go, he should be the total opposite of whatever guy you’re currently crushing on. (Hint: me.) So, for example, if your current man has tattoos, jet-black hair, and an onyx-eyed stare that could melt rocks, The Nice Guy Next Door will sport nerdy T-shirts, a shaggy blond mane, and quirky glasses that hide his sweet, forest green eyes.

  Usual Broody Rival: Any of them.

  Threat Level: Uh, did you not see the part where I describe him as having manners? This guy is so low on my risk radar, I might even befriend him.

  The Friend Who Moved Away but Now He’s Back

  Description: Do you remember that little boy you used to play with in the sandbox? Maybe you promised to marry him when you grew up? No?

  Don’t worry. There will be at least one flashback scene to help you recall the exact moment. You haven’t seen him in ten years, but he’ll reappear just as your novel begins.

  Usual Broody Rival: Historical Broody (if a marriage proposal was discussed) or Contemporary Broody.