Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Please note that if this friend left suddenly, and then became a wildly successful rock star who secretly writes a song about you … yeah, that’s actually me. No Other Guy could do something so frustratingly vague and also incredibly romantic.

  Threat Level: Moderate. Those fictional promises of marriage exchanged between toddlers are really hard to break.

  That Kid in the Orphanage with You

  Description: This kid grew up with you in whatever overly dramatic, pre-first chapter situation you find yourself in. Perhaps it was truly an orphanage, or maybe it was a bleak dystopian boarding school but, regardless, he understands you because of all you’ve been through together.

  Usual Broody Rival: Princely Broody.

  Threat Level: Low. He’s in love with you, yes, but he’s more in love with dramatic statements against authority. He will begrudgingly come to your royal wedding, or he might sacrifice himself in the epic last battle just to get out of seeing you with your fated love.

  My Best Friend

  Description: He’s almost as attractive as me, and therefore almost as popular as me. But he’s, well … nicer than me. He’s the one who explains to you that I skipped your violin recital because it was secretly the third anniversary of my pet rock’s disappearance, and I was too emotional to attend. He’ll also actually take the time to get to know you and your personality, which we know I am far too busy to do.

  But, I’d just like to point out that as he is my best friend, he’s a very, very supporting character, and nowhere near the protagonist I am. Why would I befriend anyone who might rival me in main character magicalness?

  Usual Broody Rival: Lovable Rogue Broody. We have a long-standing history of betting and gambling on everything, so of course we might gamble over my love interest’s heart.

  Threat Level: Non-existent in Book One. But be warned: this is the type of creeping cute guy, hidden Broody who can completely take over a sequel.

  Your (Male) Best Friend

  Description: Similar to the Nice Guy Next Door, but whinier and less helpful. He doesn’t like me because he’s threatened by how good-looking I am. Your parents (if they’re not kidnapped/turned into newts/disappeared) probably like him a whole lot. But when has a parental figure ever been correct in a YA novel?

  Answer: Never.

  Usual Broody Rival: Paranormal Broody. He exists as a contrast to my supernatural self. Where I have gleaming fangs and spun-silver hair, he has braces and a messy mob of brown hair. Only one of us will risk your life multiple times throughout the novel. Pretty sure it’s an easy choice who you’ll pick.

  Threat Level: Very low. However, he’ll be the favorite of some very vocal fans.

  That Nerdy, Awkward Guy You Know

  Description: He’s not your best friend, and he doesn’t live next door, but as you’re a main female character, he’s bound to be interested in you. Unlike me, he never skips class/magic lessons/tutoring sessions, and you can count on him to always be able to fill you in with boring backstory.

  Usual Broody Rival: The Handsome Loner. Sure, that Nerdy Guy will help you with your homework, but will he get you grounded after an exciting first date involving skipping class and tearing off on my motorcycle?

  Didn’t think so.

  Threat Level: Moderate. He reads books, and we all know love interests love books.

  Special Case Scenarios

  As you may have noticed, most of these rivals are about as threatening to me as a feather duster. While I am loathe to admit it, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, even I can be out-brooded. This rare occurrence, like an eclipse of the sun, may be beautiful to watch, but could also scar your vision if you stare too closely. It usually occurs in sequels, where the Author needs to up the brooding factor and cannot make the first version of me any broodier. I’ll discuss sequels more in Chapter 8: You’re a Main Character … Now What?, but for now, here are some examples of the “rival with brooding tendencies.”

  The Former Villain

  Sure, he was trying to kill everyone in the first book, but now he’s reluctantly working with the good guys to fight the Big Bad. Why? Well, maybe he has a crush on the love interest.

  This is very, very bad for an ordinary Broody. It’s a well-known fact that the more dangerous I am, and the darker my backstory is, the more my fans will adore me.

  And what could be more dangerous than a villain? Someone who actually got the narrative freedom to do bad stuff? Plus, a tragic backstory of being evil until the power of true love changes him. Yikes. That’s scary good brooding material.

  This phenomenon can also happen in movies (more about movies, a.k.a. books made of pictures, on page 307), when the actor chosen to play the villain is more attractive than the hero.

  My Older Brother

  Sigh. He’s cooler than me, has a sweeter ride than me, and is edgier than me. How on earth can I compete? Even worse, as my brother, we will have similar quests. For example, to rid the world of our evil father, we will have to work together, even as I watch him steal my love interest away from me. This is, in part, due to main character attraction being a genetic trait. If I had five brothers, all of them would be madly in love with the love interest, too. Heck, even my second cousins and third cousins once removed have fallen for her.

  My Mentor

  Not my bearded, old Merlin-esque mentor. I would never be worried about being in a love triangle with that guy. The other type of mentor. The young, hot one, with rakish good looks and a brilliant smile. He’s dangerous—even more dangerous than I am, if you can believe it—and love interests desire nothing more than danger. Seriously, if it weren’t for us hunky men, all the world’s love interests would be playing dodgeball on roller skates in the middle of busy highways.

  The hot mentor may manifest as my vampire sire. (Note: Do not call him a vampire daddy. That makes him far less attractive and makes me feel very uncomfortable.) He’s the person who made me into a vampire and is therefore older, sexier, and more dangerous than me. You should be seeing a theme by now.

  A Completely Unexpected, Mysterious Character

  These guys sometimes appear, and stun everyone. Even I’ve fallen in love with them before. I cannot even describe them because they’re so magical and appear so suddenly. Just picture everything you’ve ever wanted in a fictional character, and bam, that’s him.

  He’ll be able to solve plot problems with just a wink, and can communicate like a Nice Guy Next Door, while moping like me…. He probably even has a motorcycle. Ugh. Let’s stop talking about him.

  A Note On Ensemble Casts:

  Once in a while, you are enjoying a perfectly lovely story, when you realize something. There are … other main characters in your book with complete character arcs and love interests and kissing scenes …

  Before you throw a temper tantrum and quit the story, take a deep breath. Sometimes, stories have more than one protagonist. Often, this is known as an “ensemble cast” story, which is a fancy French word for a type of pastry with many layers. I think.

  Should you find yourself in an ensemble story, simply proceed as if you are the only main character that matters, and you’ll be fine.

  Antagonists

  Ah, yes. There is one more category of main characters. I saved the best for last. And by best, I mean worst. Antagonists. That’s Greek for “a person who causes great agony to very good-looking heroes.” I sincerely hope, dearest reader, it is not your goal to become one of these shady, dangerous, world-domination-seeking characters, and you will simply use the following guide as a way to identify them and stay far, far away.

  Every story needs a bad guy, so the antagonist is, unfortunately, as unavoidable as a dramatic makeover scene is to a “Cinderella” retelling. I hope your antagonist is someone easily defeated.

  Or something. You see, unlike the other types of characters, sometimes antagonists don’t have to be people.

  No, I don’t mean that they’re all centaurs, giant squids, and fairies,
although they certainly can be. But the main force opposing me and my goals (er, and yours, too … Your goals are exactly the same as mine, right?) can be anything from a particularly angry storm cloud to a man with storm-cloud-gray eyes.

  The distinguishing feature of antagonists is their opposition to the heroes of the story. If it weren’t for the bad guys, my brooding stories would be very short….

  So maybe, upon reflection, I should actually be thankful for my antagonists? Hmm.

  Well. Why not? I am, after all, the most generous and wonderful main character to have ever existed in the history of time. I suppose I can find room in my heart to write a little love letter to the antagonists of my novels. So, without further ado:

  Dear Antagonist,

  Thank you so much for your single-minded determination to ruin my life. Your passion, focus, and dedication to causing misery is so impressive that I wonder if you’ve ever had a moment to yourself for fun. Well, besides that time you cackled evilly from the tower of your castle of doom.

  Your motives are often vague, your backstory hastily sketched, and your goals rather futile. And yet, you’ve never let that stop you from attempting to take over the world/ruin prom/get me to date you. That’s dedication right there. Good for you.

  And thank you, too, for giving me so many opportunities to look positively dashing during our battles. It was so kind of you to never attack me while I was delivering a particularly witty one-liner. I owe you a great deal of gratitude for having that one easily exploited weakness, which allowed me to defeat you right before the end of the book.

  Thank you again, and best of luck with the whole “world domination” thing.

  xoxo, Broody

  There. My generosity truly knows no bounds. What other hero would be so kind as to thank the person who’s opposed him in countless books? Surely not that other guy in the love triangle. He’d never be so unexpectedly nice, right?

  And I am truly the gift that keeps on giving, because I’ll now share with you a rundown of many of the most common antagonists, just in case you should run into one. Please feel free to take notes. You never know when you’ll encounter an antagonist. They don’t all show up with a magnificent cape and an echoing, evil laugh.

  Things Out to Ruin Your Life, a Short List

  Bad People: Self-explanatory. These people include my parents, mean teachers, mean friends, and my evil ex-girlfriend. There’s not a lot of reason why they’re so mean. Perhaps their socks are too tight. Or maybe they had too much love in their childhood (because we know that having too little love from your evil-overlord father results in … me!)

  I’ll break this category down into just a few more, because there are tons of evil people in stories, and I don’t want you to get confused.

  Evil Overlords: The baddest of the bad, and therefore the ones given the least characterization. These guys (and, let’s be honest, they’re usually men) are out to conquer the city/world/universe and will do anything to achieve that goal. They’re very powerful, often wear black or red, and tend to live in massive, well-guarded fortresses. They also really love kidnapping love interests, even if it would make more sense for them to just destroy everything instead of meddling in your romantic life.

  Evil Rich People: Not quite as hell-bent on world domination, these antagonists are often found in dystopian or contemporary novels. They have a lot of power and would like to have more. Your plot puts you directly in the way of them achieving their goals, so they’ll have to use their money to try and ruin you.

  Bad Teachers: These teachers aren’t in your school to educate you or help you pass the SATs. They’re there to cause drama and make plot happen. Maybe they assign an impossible homework problem or make you work with your nemesis. Whatever their aim, it seems incredibly vindictive toward you. That’s okay, because they’re just cementing your main character status by allowing you to overcome their cruelty.

  Annoying People Interested in Preserving Their Rules: These bad guys show up most often in paranormal stories, but sometimes in historical or fantasies. Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re dating me, and I’m a sexy supernatural being. You are an average mortal teen, who finds it thrilling to go to prom with a werelemur. However! There are laws against werelemurs dating ordinary humans. I was so busy brooding about the impending full moon, which brings with it the urge to climb trees and other lemurish things, that I forgot to mention those pesky laws. So, now our romantic prom will be broken up by the supernatural fun police.

  Annoying People in Positions of Power: They’re not necessarily evil, but these people—mayors, CEOs, bankers, headmasters, etc.—want you to conform to whatever their rules are. Of course, you’re way too cool for rules, so you’ll rebel.

  Evil, Evil, Ex-Girlfriends: My ex-girlfriends are always evil. They hate you for dating me, because once that happens, they … uh … have nothing to do except plot revenge? Yeah. Pretty sure that’s it.

  A NOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT A BROODY

  AHEM.

  Okay. Let’s see if Broody rereads this before he publishes this joke of a book. I’m betting my brand-new designer purse that he won’t.

  Look. I get it. I’m the “evil” ex, because how could I be anything else? A toxic blend of jealousy, internalized misogyny (yeah, I’m not as stupid as I look), and desire to make Broody look good in comparison has me doomed.

  Here’s the thing: there’s a real problem with our stories. It’s all good if the attractive guy is confident and ambitious, but Author Forbid we ever have a heroine who strides on to page one and knows just how badass she truly is.

  For whatever reason, perfectly applied eyeliner is not a skill that is recognized as being worthy of anyone but a being of pure evil. Oh, sure the heroine can get a makeover halfway through the book and still be good. But if she starts her character journey with contouring applied so perfectly she could stop traffic with her cheekbones?

  She might as well have “Super Evil Lady” written on her forehead.

  And that’s not fair. Not at all.

  xoxo, B

  Antagonists, Continued

  Nice, Well-Meaning People: These folks actually want to help you. The problem is that their idea of helping isn’t actually all that helpful. Perhaps your parents want you to focus on your studies and have decided that your gorgeous, brooding, possibly-a-vampire boyfriend is not exactly helpful in keeping up your GPA. Instead of having a civil conversation with your charming boyfriend where they’d learn he’s an excellent history tutor as he’s really three hundred years old, they forbid you from ever seeing him again.

  Misunderstandings: Let’s have a moment of silence for my dear, dear, dead Great-Great-Great Uncle Romeo, who was slain by this very antagonist. In his honor, I promise to also jump to conclusions instantly, never research, nor pause to communicate with my love interest, before charging ahead based on a rumor.

  Time: Oh, this cruel, cruel monster. It is impossible to race against. It runs out so quickly. Heck, it could probably win any race ever. Annoyingly, Time has never shown any weakness in the face of me batting my obscenely long eyelashes and has never once agreed to grant me an extension.

  My Feelings: Woe to the main character who must face this foe!

  What a mighty, powerful, full of might and made of power antagonist this is. You see, although I love you deeply, we simply cannot be together.

  For … reasons.

  I’m sure you understand.

  Just remember. It’s not me. It’s you.

  Er … I mean, it’s not either of us.

  Of course not. You are perfect, and I am even more perfect.

  I just also have a very dark, secretively held secret that I can’t tell you … for two hundred more pages. (But! You can take the quiz a couple pages ahead and learn your own main character secret.)

  Your Feelings: Perhaps you suddenly feel guilty for ditching all of your former friends to spend a romantic evening with me, or you suddenly wonder if dating a werelemur w
hen you’re allergic to fur is actually a good idea. You’ll use your feelings as a shield against your truest feelings, which are, of course, ones of undying love for me.

  Myself: In addition to my actual feelings, I am very good at doing things to make your life more difficult. But I swear it’s never my fault. I mean, getting brainwashed and turning into a villain happens to tons of people, right? It’s almost as common as a thunderstorm!

  And if I decided to date my evil ex again

  YEAH RIGHT

  it’s only for some complex, plot-related reason that I can’t tell you about yet. Or if I forgot to pick you up for a date, I was simply doing something more important. Like styling my hair. Regardless, I assure you, whatever cruel things I’ve done, I had a very good reason.

  Vague Bad Things: These can include bad weather, impending nuclear destruction, and the flu. Anything that tries to keep me away from you, dearest love interest. Indeed, there always seems to be an impressive number of things trying to keep us apart. One almost wonders if the Author is just trying to bolster a weak page count.

  Pop quiz!

  WHAT IS THE DEEP SECRET, HELD WITHIN YOUR HEART, WHICH CAUSES YOU TO BROOD?

  What’s your favorite type of music?

  1. Jazz

  2. Classical

  3. Showtunes!

  4. It’s really obscure. You’ve never heard of them.

  5. Country Music

  6.

  7. Rock and Roll/punk rock/metal/something loud and angry

  8. Pop—especially that song that everyone hates, and yet gets stuck in their heads

  Which of these are you most likely to drink in the morning?

  1. A latte

  2. Blood … er… blood orange juice

  3. The milk in my cereal bowl

  4. Organic, fair trade coffee from a coffee shop you’ve never heard of

  5. Tea

  6.

  7. Coffee as black as my soul

  8. The most evil Frappuccino ever created