Brooding YA Hero Read online

  Which of these would you pick for your next vacation?

  1. An elegant, quiet, and yet charmingly simple location. Like my parents’ chateau in France.

  2. Someplace cold and dreary like my mood

  3. Disneyland!

  4. I could tell you, but you’ve never even heard of the location, so why should I bother?

  5. Skiing with my bff, like we have every winter!

  6.

  7. Ugh. I dunno. Some big city where I can get lost in the crowd.

  8. Cheer camp

  If you could turn into any bird, what would it be?

  1. A magnificent, and yet understated, snowy owl

  2. A bat—er … I mean a bat-like bird. Yes. That.

  3. A butterfly!

  4. A Setophaga chrysoparia [formerly Dendroica chrysoparia], which is a rare and endangered bird species, more commonly known as the golden-cheeked warbler. I don’t expect you to know that, of course. Or to care about it. Or to care about me.

  5. A robin, which is oddly enough, also my best friend’s name

  6.

  7. A hawk soaring above the land it used to love, looking for danger

  8. A peacock, but pink

  If you chose …

  Mostly 1s:

  Your secret is that you’re actually incredibly wealthy. Why you’re keeping this a secret and not buying your love interest a pony and a prom dress, I don’t know.

  Mostly 2s:

  Okay, Count Obvious. You can count on one hand how many chapters it will take your love interest to guess your secret: that you are actually a terrifying, immortal being.

  Don’t worry. That won’t put any sort of a damper on your relationship.

  Mostly 3s:

  You … don’t have a secret. I’m sorry. You’re just too bubbly and kind and lovely to have secrets. Maybe attempt to find a werelemur to bite you so you can acquire a secret?

  Mostly 4s:

  Hmm. Let me guess. I couldn’t possibly understand your secret, could I? Yeah, right. Your secret is that you are a jerk. Luckily for you, your love interest will have never heard of the words “respectful, considerate relationship.” (I mean, neither have I, but at least I like good music.)

  Mostly 5s:

  Your secret is that your best friend is in love with you. Yes, I know technically this doesn’t count as your own secret, but it certainly will add a lot of drama.

  Mostly 6s:

  Wow. You’re really good at this. You’re so secretive even I don’t know what you want.

  Mostly 7s:

  I get it. You had a terrible thing happen to you in your past, and now you’re a rebel. Me, too, dude. Me. Too. Wanna start a band together?

  Mostly 8s:

  Hah! I caught you, Blondie. Trying to take this quiz, huh? Tough luck. You don’t have any secrets.

  SPECIAL NOTE:

  Characters Who Are Sometimes Evil

  This might be a little confusing to you, since you are a brand-new main character who’s never been in a story before. But in addition to your standard evil characters, there are some characters who are only evil occasionally. We can call them part-time antagonists.

  Some people might call them antiheroes but I prefer to reserve the use of the word hero for myself alone, thank you very much.

  These part-time antagonists are often roughly the same age as us. Perhaps they are the children of evil overlords or your greatest rivals. They will try to foil your plans, as any evil character would, but sometimes the part-time antagonist will do nice things for you, too.

  They may even become your love interest. In that case, please refer to earlier sections as well as the next section of the book. (Again, look at me being helpful! Don’t I truly deserve to star in everything ever?)

  The Sliding Scale of Evil/Attractive

  You might have noticed in my enormously clear and helpful main character breakdown, a simple fact: sometimes, the line between the actual villain of a story and the Broody is very thin.

  Surprised? You should be. Many main characters are shocked to learn their love interests are actually slightly evil. Very, very attractive villains with excellent backstories are often actually a version of one of the Broodys mentioned above.

  IS THAT CUTE PERSON ACTUALLY A VILLAIN OR A LOVE INTEREST?

  Where did you first see this person?

  1. At school. They got lost, and I helped them find their way.

  2. At school. They gave me the wrong directions to class.

  3. In a dream. I saw a flash of their beautiful face and cannot forget it.

  4. They tried to arrest me.

  5. After trying (and failing) to befriend me, they tripped me in a hallway.

  Describe this person’s smile:

  1. Innocent and joyful, as if they had swallowed a thousand butterflies.

  2. Like the chipped and broken plastic knife you find at the bottom of a bag of takeout food.

  3. I’ve never seen them smile, but I can only imagine that it would be as brilliant as the first light of dawn.

  4. They have a smile that is cold and brilliant, and yet does not reach their eyes.

  5. They smirk, smirkily, and fold their arms in a self-satisfied matter, contentedly.

  What was the last thing this person said to you?

  1. “Wow! I’ve never met anyone like you.”

  2. “You smell like feet.”

  3.

  4. “You are going to destroy everything!”

  5. “Just wait until I tell my father.”

  If you took this person on a date, where would you go?

  1. Probably someplace romantic.

  2. A picnic on a cliff, so they could push me off it.

  3. We’d spend a perfect evening together, where every moment passes like a beautiful, expertly polished jewel. The specifics don’t matter.

  4. We’d sword fight/verbally spar/duel with magic, and the victor would buy the loser ice cream.

  5. A date with them? Ugh.

  If this person were a dog, what breed would they be?

  1. A corgi! Cute and tiny and oh so adorable.

  2. Something with fleas. And possibly rabies.

  3. The most magnificent, sleek, graceful greyhound ever.

  4. A half-wolf half-husky hybrid, with icy blue eyes.

  5. A cat. They don’t play by the rules.

  If you chose …

  Mostly 1s:

  There’s no way this person is a villain. I’m sure they’re a great character, but you’ve got to know there’s not an evil bone in their adorable body, right?

  Mostly 2s:

  Definitely evil. Definitely not romantic.

  Mostly 3s:

  So, you haven’t actually met this character yet, have you? Maybe reserve judgment on if they’re evil or not until you meet?

  Mostly 4s:

  Well, they are certainly an antagonist … but methinks there’s a chance for love to blossom.

  Mostly 5s:

  This person sounds like an absolute jerk. I bet all your fans will try to claim you two love each other deeply, but don’t worry, it will never actually happen in the books.

  Let’s face it. Evil is sexy. But only to a point. There’s a seesaw of evil and sexy. I call it the Seesaw of Evil and Sexy. I’m very clever. No one will ever find the evil overlord attractive, with his greasy black hair and his sneer. But what about his henchman? That one who helped the heroes just once, demonstrating a slight waver in his dedication to bringing about the end of the world? Yeah. He could be a Broody. You never know.

  But why is this the case? I suppose because there’s very little a female main character likes doing more than saving/improving a male character’s life. And who better to improve than someone who just needs to be shown the error of his ways?

  This is a rare instance where you cannot flip male and female main characters. No main male character has any desire to actually improve an evil female
character, although he might seduce her for plot reasons. Actually, now that I think about it, none of my favorite relationship things work if you flip roles. How strange.

  Ah, well. That’s probably because girls are just better at improving guys, you know? They’re just so wonderful, girls, with all their fainting-at-the-most-dramatic moments, and changing every priority so their lives revolve around the guys they just met …

  I mean, it would be much harder to be a main character if I couldn’t expect that bland, supportive girls would drop everything to cater to my every need and desire.

  Wow, Broody. You’re getting pretty deep there. Be careful you don’t think too hard and short-circuit what little brains you have. What’s even stranger is that all of these dynamics seem to be between a guy and a girl in stories. There is more to the world than a relationship. And even if we are only talking about relationships, there are plenty that don’t involve a guy and a girl. Sure, I might be evil, but I know a lot about love. Getting dumped in chapter three in every book does that to a girl. I mean, really, Authors? Can’t you … I dunno … try harder? Give us main characters a little variety in the roles we’re playing? Make our fictional worlds reflect the real lives of your readers a little more?

  I mean, does the world really need another story about some bland, boring, rich dude saving some

  Ahem. This is me, Broody, again. I apologize for the above. Someone, actually stole my beautiful notebook to write that strange, strange paragraph above. Don’t they understand that I have many, many emotions which can only be helped by having a female character dedicate her life to me? I don’t have time to run around helping other characters. I’m writing this book for them. Isn’t that enough?

  Other Characters

  Look, the book is called Brooding YA Hero: Becoming a Main Character (Almost) as Awesome as Me, not Being Content as a Supporting Character. Are you sure you want to even waste brain cells learning about other characters that exist in my world?

  Yes?

  Okay. Fine. But I warned you.

  Here are some other characters you may find in my books: As a reminder—because you probably need one. Main Characters get reminded of stuff all the time. Especially at the start of a sequel—in the below definitions, “me” refers to your favorite, most magnificent, magnanimous guide, Broody McHottiepants.

  Your Quirky Best Friend

  She’s odd, she’s funny (at least to your Author, so you’ll have to laugh at her jokes), and she’ll probably dislike me.

  Your Sassy Minority Friend

  Pick a minority, any minority! This character should be crafted solely out of clichés seen on TV and involve absolutely no research. Also, she might die, you know, to further the main character’s plot. Sorry.

  The Guy Who Lives Next Door to You

  He’s got the opposite hair color to me, never smirks, and is very, very helpful. But he might be too much “like a brother” for you. Keep an eye on this dude. He might turn into a rival of mine at any moment.

  The Suspiciously Attractive Other Guy You Talk To

  I just don’t trust this guy. He’s really good-looking, and his personality is multidimensional, and … Wait! Is he on the cover of the sequel???

  All Other Guys

  Okay, after those last two, I think it’s time for me to do something I excel at: hasty generalizations. Let’s just assume every single dude who has ever spoken to you is a potential rival of mine, got it?

  Your Parents:

  They won’t like me—that is, if they’re even alive. Luckily, they will also be incredibly busy with their own goals, jobs, and other elements of their lives so they won’t notice all of the plot-related adventures you and your love interest are having.

  Additional tips about the parents (and remember, the more charming and wonderful they are, the more likely the plot will … uh … remove them, so try not to get too attached):

  • Your Mom:

  Usually overworked, doesn’t do enough mothering.

  • Your Stepmom:

  Evil. Very pretty or thinks she is. Insults the Love Interest every chance she gets.

  • Your Dad:

  The perfect mix of clueless and unobservant.

  Your Older Brother, Who I am Friends With

  He’s cool. I hang out with him a bunch, but he won’t like it when I start dating you, because he knows that he’ll disappear from the narrative. He probably doesn’t like you that much, but that’s because he’s a super-cool guy who doesn’t have time for anything but sportsball and dude stuff.

  Your Precocious Small Sibling

  This one will like me. They’ll have an adorable kid-like way of speaking, too. Also, they’ll be oddly perceptive and will out your secret at the worst possible moment, but so cute, you can’t stay angry for long. (Unlike real life.)

  The Cruel Teacher

  Wants you to fail, despite your best efforts to succeed.

  The Kind Teacher

  Wants you to succeed, despite your best efforts to drop out.

  The Wise Old Mentor

  Some old, usually cranky person who wants to teach you about stuff in a possibly unorthodox manner. You’ll get attached to them, which is a problem because they always die.

  Broody’s Edgy, Even More Attractive Older Brother

  He’s like me, only more attractive, and more dangerous. Often shows up in sequels and second seasons.

  My Father

  Hates me.

  My Current Girlfriend

  Hates my love interest. Wears makeup and high heels, signaling that she is clearly evil.

  My Jokester Best Friend

  The comic relief. Also, maybe a minority! ’Cause that’s cool! (As long as they’re supporting roles only.)

  The Popular Girls

  Pretty, vain, and cruel. Oftentimes unintelligent. Always rich. Never nice, because no ambitious girls are nice. Duh.

  The Popular Guys

  Handsome, sexually active, and stupid. Usually play sportsball.

  A Brief Note on … Blandness

  Dear reader, I must confess something to you. As you can tell from all these character descriptions, sometimes my favorite worlds of fiction suffer from something I can only call … blandness.

  It is a sad thing to admit, but yes, we fictional characters can only be as diverse, multifaceted, and unique as our writers make us. So, please, if you have a chance to write stories, consider your characters, and please make us less bland. We don’t want to be vanilla ice cream. We want to be a complex sundae of delicious things, to reflect the incredibleness that is the real world.

  xoxo, B

  NARRATIVE INTERLUDE: WHILE OUR WISE HERO WANDERS, EVIL PONDERS

  Broody looked down at his notebook. He certainly hadn’t written that last section. So who had?

  He had only taken a brief break in the hall to stare meaningfully at the crowd of New Girl characters milling around, waiting to be drafted into new novels. Broody believed it was important to spend time making eye contact with each of them, so they had that insta-recognition that always sparked true love.

  He always found it funny that what Authors called insta-love was usually just him and the exact same love interest he’d been matched with in the last story hitting it off immediately.

  Authors were so strange.

  But while Broody had been busy with the good work of ensuring a love story would blossom, someone had clearly crept into his room and written that note criticizing the blandness of main characters.

  How oddly, unexpectedly dangerously, unexpected.

  Broody didn’t mind being bland. He was very good at it. Vanilla ice cream with sprinkles on top: that was how he liked to think of himself. The sprinkles added just a tiny bit of flair to his basic, vanilla character traits. The sprinkles, like the adjectives, made him cooler.

  Who would ever dislike that?

  Sure, Broody knew there were many, many characters who only got to be in a few books, but that wasn’t his fault. And, after
all, he was writing this book to help! So any characters could become main characters, provided they followed his very specific approach.

  He was determined to figure out the mystery of who had tampered with his manuscript. After all, this opus was his only ticket to getting back to a starring role in books! If it had been hijacked by a rogue character, why, his very existence was at stake!

  Wait. “At stake?” he mused, repeating his interior monologue out loud. “Stake?”

  Was this … a plot?

  Absolutely not. He shook his head, letting his tousled mane tousle even more. He didn’t have time for some silly little missing notebook plot. He was meant for greater things. Like taking main characters to prom, or writing a number one chart-topping love song.

  Better to resolve this quickly, so he could get back to his usual stories.

  And so he departed on a walk through New Story City, asking each archetype he met if they recognized the handwriting.

  Unexpectedly, he found that each time he approached a group of character archetypes, they wanted to know what he was writing. And so, he told them. And that always led to a discussion, in which each character started giving his or her own opinion about what it meant to be the main character.

  Baffled by this strange phenomenon Broody rubbed his face as if to rub away his baffling bafflement. But it only succeeded in making him more perplexed, which was almost the same as baffled, but a slightly deeper sort of confusion.

  All fictional characters are highly trained to recognize the small nuances among related emotions like that. He thought about rereading the earlier pages of his book to see if there were any clues, but that seemed like an awful lot of work. So, instead, he kept asking other characters in the hopes that repetition would suddenly yield a plot twist.

  And it seemed to Broody that all characters had a lot of opinions on what should be included in a main character’s journey.

  “Don’t forget about the plot!” a mentor-type called.